Hey, you! You, the one with the sad, sunken eyes, seated in a hunched over position at his non-ergonomic office desk chair, who has to bend his knees to reach even the TALLEST something that has been set on the floor. I want to tell you that YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE! You might think that the only way to improve flexibility, circulation, and overall wellbeing is to practice the devil’s ritual — Yoga — and up until recently you were correct. Thousands, possibly millions, of otherwise good souls are burning in hell as we speak because they failed to listen to what God was attempting to communicate to them about the way they were spending their couple of free classes they got when they signed up for their gym membership. But not you, friend. You knew to wait, letting your muscles atrophy in a way almost prayer-like itself, until their came an appropriate Christian solution. And today you will know that your wait was not in vain. Today we can offer you the first and only method of practicing yoga approved by God for Christian practice, available on probably DVD and, I’m absolutely sure, VHS: Praise Moves.
Sure these might LOOK like regular yoga moves, but it is well known that there are only a few ways — probably around 15 or 20 ways — a human body can move, and the devil has gone and scooped almost ALL of them up before we could get to them ourselves! Luckily he forgot a few, though, which you’ll only be able to get here. Not too clever now, are you devil? Not too clever indeed. (Thanks for the tip, jwormyk!)