How Will All Of The Wikileaks Movies End?!

The Wall Street Journal reports that there are currently three different movies about Wikileaks that are in various stages of development, but that each of them is waiting to see what actually happens before writing an ending. (Well, one of them, the Universal one, is a documentary, but still.) That’s a lot of movies, so this ending better be GOOD. All eyes are on Julian Assange. Shhhh! HBO has a director lined up, but that’s all we know. Dreamworks has a writer and stuff, but as the president of production points out:

“We’re still waiting to see what happens with Julian,” Ms. Bario said. “And if you’re going to invest in this story, you’ve got to have a satisfying ending.”

You’re telling us, sister! SATISFY US! It’s like that scene in Gladiator. “Are you not satisfied? ARE. YOU. NOT. SATISFIED?!” Remember? Gladiator? When is the Gladiator reboot, by the way? No! Stay focused. Oh how will it all end?!?!?!?! JULIAN ASSSANGEEEEEE! Here are some ideas:

  • True love brings Julian Assange back to life and now he can control the bullets with his mind because he is the chosen one.
  • Morgan Freeman walks up the beach of Zihuatanejo in his bare feet and there’s Julian Assange, working on some old boat.
  • It turns out Julian Assange was Kaiser Soze the whole time, man.
  • It turns out Julian Assange was Julian Assange and Tyler Durden the whole time, man.
  • Kevin is reunited with his family on Christmas morning but Julian Assange did not take it easy on the Pepsi.
  • The dog dies at the end.
  • Julian Assange wakes up and it had all just been a wikidream.

Next summer: Channing Tatum IS Wikileak.