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Uggie’s Retirement At Grauman’s Chinese Theatre Party Tips

It’s going to be so sad when Uggie dies, you guys. I know that’s not the brightest way to open a blog post about hot hot party tips for a dog’s retirement party, but ahh, guys! He’s probably going to die soon! It’s like the Louis C.K. joke about how buying a dog is just agreeing to be sad when it dies in 10 years or whatever the joke is, except it’s like we ALL bought this dog EVEN IF we didn’t see The Artist, which I NEVER WILL. R.I.P. Uggie, eventually. Until then: Happy retirement! Awww, who’s the cutie widdle wetiwement dowwgieee awwww? From The Hollywood Reporter:

Although his trainer Omar Von Muller had said that the perky pooch’s appearance on February’s Oscar show would be his last hurrah, Uggie will make one more curtain call at 10 a.m. June 25 at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre to plant his paws in its fabled cement.

Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, which is releasing The Artist on Blu-ray and DVD on June 26, is hosting the event billed as a retirement party, at which the canine celebrity is scheduled to arrive by fire engine. Duff Goldman, the pastry chef featured on Food Network’s Ace of Cakes, also will be on hand, bringing with him a cake in the shape of a fire hydrant.

I’m sure he’ll love the cake, Duff. He can pee right on it and then everyone can eat it, yum yum yum, PEE CAKE. So I’m not sure how far you guys have gotten in your Uggie retirement party plans so far, and I don’t want you to think that I assume you haven’t started planning it at all, but I’ve just put together a few tips to help you on your way. Let’s get to them!

  • Get Your Dog Outta There: You don’t want your own stupid dog gross-ing up the celebration. Get that dog outta there! Put him in the kennel. It’s like a hotel for dogs except a nightmare, he’ll love it.
  • All Food Served Should Look Like Dog Treats: If you have a food processor this should be fairly simple. Just make all the food into the shape of dog treats and then leave overnight to dry.
  • All Drinks Should Be Drunk From A Bowl: The way dogs do it!
  • Everyone Can Only Crawl Around On All Fours: We know Uggie can walk on twos, but we’re not all famous actor dogs, are we???
  • No One Can Speak: Only bark.
  • Everyone Has To Wear A Realistic Dog Costume: If they can’t find one at the store, they can just make one. No excuses. Must be realistic.
  • Must Be Cool: Everyone must be cool about it.
  • It’s A Sleepover: All guests must agree to sleep over and sleep in a big dog pile on a big dog bed and no one is allowed to complain about it because remember how no one is allowed to talk?
  • Also, No One Is Allowed To Take Off Their Dog Costume Until They Leave The House: That’s no fun!
  • No Doggy-style Jokes: Gross, guys.

And there you have it! A tasteful celebration about the career of the wonderful Uggie. Invite all your friends and don’t forget to have fun!