Donald Trump Rests His Totally Racist Case

Donald Trump has jumped back on the birther train and kicked the conductor out through the engine room window to take command of this thing once and for all. FULL HAIR AHEAD! (Good joke about Donald Trump’s hair. Very fun and timely and fresh.) This is obviously a dead issue. Like, there was a weird moment where even though it was clearly a racist, uninformed, distracting fringe argument, it managed to get some actual attention and people pretended like it was a real thing for two seconds, but that time has passed, and now it’s just a ridiculous old man shouting from his gold-plated toilet. But amidst all of that pooping and shouting, Donald Trump did manage to play an exciting new variant on the “I’ve got a black friend” card. From ONTD:

Trump was [at the North Carolina Republican Convention] to discuss Mitt Romney‘s presidential chances and his treatment of the media, but the birth certificate issue, as always, came up. This time, he had a ready response to the claims that his motives are racist based.

“Somebody said, ‘Oh, because I brought up the birth certificate, I’m a racist. I said, ‘How can I be a racist, I just picked Arsenio Hall,” said Trump.

Would a racist allow the producers of his middling reality TV franchise tell him to pick a black person because they’ve conducted some market research and there’s a chance his winning the season will help the ratings of the finale and potentially extend the longevity of this exhausted warhorse? No way, Jose! (A racist would also never use the expression “no way, Jose.”) A racist would JUMP ACROSS THE BOARDROOM TABLE AND TRY TO KILL THE BLACK CONTESTANT! Not Donald Trump. He did not even strike Arsenio Hall with an open hand. The two of them said hello to each other one time when the cameras weren’t even rolling! What an incredible beacon of human love and tolerance. HE PICKED ARSENIO HALL! That ought to put an end to this rampant speculation that somehow Donald Trump is a racist just because he keeps doing racist things. HE PICKED ARSENIO HALL, OKKK?! The United Colors of Trumpetton. The arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards Sunday nights on NBC at 9PM EST.