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Downton Abbey S02E06: No More War!

The episode opens with Mary pushing Matthew around in his wheelchair and she says, “I should have arms like Jack Johnson if I’m not careful,” and it’s funny because of this Jack Johnson. I have to believe that she means this Jack Johnson, but can you even IMAGINE if she meant this Jack Johnson? BANANA PANCAKES? Hahaha. Ah, Mary. Anyway so Mary and Matthew are talking and palling around outside and through the Downton window Carlisle watches them with the Lord and asks, “Ought I to be jealous?” Which, like, ugh, that guy. You old weirdo, stop being so weird and gross. The question is hardly even offensive to read but it’s just THAT GUY. He tells Lord Grantham that he’s thinking of buying some old family’s big house that Mary used to play in as a child (or something?) (who can pay attention to all these NAMES) and put in bathrooms and telephones and lights and whatever else, and Lord says it sounds more like a hotel, which didn’t really seem reasonable because, uh, normal houses can have bathrooms too, until later when we get to see the house and it is legitimately a hotel. Bathrooms don’t make it a hotel, it BEING A HOTEL ALREADY makes it a hotel. But anyway, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s talk about PATRICK GORDON! 

So some guy named Patrick Gordon wants to come stay at the Downton Wounded Soldier House because he says he’s a distant relative of the family. The Lord says he’s not sure how they’re connected “but you never know,” which seems a little cavalier, but he is Lord Grantham the Reasonable, so whatever. But then we see Edith give a look that looks like she DOES know who that is. This is confusing because she keeps giving these knowing glances, but there is really no way she could’ve known by that name that it was going to be who it was, right? Unless that’s some weird plot thing that’s going to come out in the future? What’s the deal here? Anyway when the guy, Patrick Gordon, comes to Downton Edith sees him and he says, “I hope you’re not put off by me,” because he is burned and disfigured and, honestly, pretty off-putting. She says no but then she sees him closer and her face says that she is 100% put off by him.

He asks, “Did they tell you we’re related?” She says yes, but she doesn’t know how. “I thought you’d recognize my voice, but of course I sound Canadian now,” he says, which is a weird thing to say. Of course you’re probably not going to recognize someone’s voice if they have a different accent now + they are completely disfigured + they have a name you don’t recognize. GMAB, Patrick Gordon. And then he says that they met “a long time ago,” but before Edith can find out what the F he’s talking about, Sybil comes in and says she “needs” her, which seems like BS to me, because you know, need her to do WHAT exactly?, talk about how she can drive a car?, but whatever.

Elsewhere, Matthew’s Mom is talking to Cora and Old Lady Grantham about keeping Downton open as a convalescent house even after the war ends. The ladies are soooooooooooooo not into this idea, as you can see:

And they resolve to find a way to get Matthew’s Mom to STFU about it and leave them alone.

So, back to the hotel that Mary and Carlisle want to buy and live in. Another thing they want is to bring Carson along with them to be their Head Servant or whatever. Carlisle talks to Carson about it, and Carson says he’ll only answer if he knows what Mary thinks about it, and then Mary talks to him and he says he’ll only answer if he knows what the Lord thinks about it, and it’s like ugh Carson just GIVE US A BREAK AND LET US KNOW WTF YOU WANT TO DO. Then Mary goes to see the house with Carlisle and holy moly check out this house:

What a house! Mary asks what they’ll do for furniture and photographs and stuff, which seems like a weird question, and Carlisle answers “What anyone does. Buy it, I presume,” which seems like exactly what I was thinking, but then Mary says “Your lot buys it. My lot inherits it.” Oohhhhhhhhh. So. How did she except him to answer, then? What answer is she looking for? Half inherited, half bought so it’s kind of equal? Or, like, I DON’T EVEN KNOW! What do you want, Mary?! Women!

Back at Downton, Ms. Hughes had been outed for feeding Ethel with the house’s food. Carson catches her coming back and squeals to Cora and is just such a jerk about it, saying “Men will always be men, but for a young women to let her judgement so desert her…” UHHHHHH. MEN WILL ALWAYS BE MEN, I GUESS, UNLESS THEY HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER THEY WANT TO TAKE A DIFFERENT JOB THAN THE ONE THEY HAVE NOW! RIGHT! CARSON! Anyway so Cora says she’ll write to the dad soldier and invite him over, with the hopes that the Lord can “appeal to his good nature.” K.

Back to Patrick. He’s talking with Edith and asks, “Do you really not recognize me?” Edith gives a weird answer where, again, I feel like they’re trying to tell us that she DOES really recognize him, but then I guess she doesn’t really because he says he’s Patrick, the cousin who died on the Titanic, and she’s like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. He says someone rescued him out of the water and misidentified him as someone from Montreal, and he couldn’t remember who he was, so he was sent to Montreal and has lived there as Patrick Gordon, a name he “took from a bottle of gin,” and didn’t know his own identity until he was hit by the blast that disfigured him in the war. He woke up and knew who he was again. He didn’t send a message because he thought that if he “came there and they knew him, the hard part would be over.” Which makes no sense. The whole thing makes no sense. But anyway so he admits that he knew Edith loved him and the both cry and blah blah blah. Fucking Edith, man. Then she tells her dad about it.

Speaking of women who are generally upsetting, Bates hears bad news from his lawyer concerning his wife. She told the judge that he gave her money in exchange for the divorce, which is true, and now they are not getting a divorce. OY YOYOYOYOYOYOYOY. Anna says “This won’t change a thing. We’re going to be together whether she wants it or not. If we have to leave here, if we have to leave the country, we’ll be together.” Which is sweet. She is always very positive! But O’Brien is listening in on the conversation, OF COURSE, so you assume that something bad is going to happen, and ugh.

Outside, Mary is wheeling Matthew around, telling him about her new house. “It’s big,” she says. “That’s what she said,” he replies. Then she says, “I don’t have to marry him you know,” and he tells her that he could never marry her and that if he thought he was an argument against her marriage he’d jump into the nearest river and blah blah blah. WE GET IT, YOU’RE IN LOVE AND ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED PROBABLY. And, like, Carlisle is watching them AGAIN, except this time with Cora, and he says, “Is she as convinced as he is that they have no future?” And then tells Cora that if she wants grandkids she’ll make sure that they don’t get together, and says that it’s time for Lavinia to come back, and Cora agrees because if you haven’t noticed Cora is kind of awful a lot of the time.

So when the Lord talks to Patrick Gordon, he is more than a little suspicious. Patrick said that he knows things only the REAL Patrick would know, which is a classic Not-The-Real-Person thing to say, and the Lord responds, “Presumably you understand that people will be seriously affected if your story were true.” Luckily when he was in the hospital he wrote his whole story down in a book (?) and the Lord is going to send it to his lawyer to have it checked out.

At dinner that night he announces this discovery to the family, and Mary is upset and doesn’t believe him at all, and Matthew says something like, “Boohooooo hoooooooooo, at least he’ll be able to waaaaaaaaalk and have chiiiiiiiiiiiiildren, I’m just going to go eat wooooooooooooorms, Sybil take me to my roooooooooom,” and it is very frustrating. Chin up, Matthew. At least you’re not WILLIAM. WHO DIED TO SAVE YOUR MISERABLE LIFE.

Speaking of people who have died, the soldier father of Ethel’s baby has also died. Dangit!

Patrick still has Edith convinced, and as they walk around the grounds he vaguely hints at things from their past. “Wasn’t there a governess none of you liked?” he asks. Ugh. And then he hints that maybe he’ll marry Edith once this whole thing is settled and one thing that I’m very impressed with is how desperate he knew Edith was before he started this whole CHARADE. Later he freaks out and screams, “I’M A STRANGER TO THEM NOW!” And Edith responds, “Well you’re not a stranger to me.” Of course.

Then there is a short scene where Bates is talking to the Lord about going to see his wife and he says something about wishing she was dead, which is like whaaaaaaaaaat, and the Lord tells him not to lose his temper, above all. Later, Bates and Anna are talking and O’Brien is all up in their business again, of course, and then the Lord comes in to announce that the war is over hooorrrraaaay!

Elsewhere, OLG has convinced Matthew’s mom to work with refugees rather than keep Downton a convalescent home, and she and Cora share a sweet (also bitchy and selfish, no duh) moment in a car where Cora says thank you and OLG says you’re welcome. Those two! I forgot they hated each other!

After the Lord gets the results back from his lawyer about Patrick Gordon, he concludes that they still have to investigate. Apparently there was a guy called Peter Gordon on the ship who knew Patrick and they think that this Patrick Gordon is probably actually Peter Gordon which seems kind of like a no duh. Later, Edith talks to Patrick about the guy they’re going to track down, which MAKES ME SO UPSET WITH HER. He responds, “You’re very sweet. So sweet you make me think that all things are possible. But I guess the lesson is you can never go back.” I guess so. She says they’ll find him. “Yes. I expect you will,” he says, which mostly seems like a confession. Later Patrick Gordon leaves, but leaves behind a note for Edith:

LOL. Actually the note says, “It was too difficult. I’m sorry. -P. Gordon,” but you do have to admit that it is almost exactly the note that Burger left for Carrie in that episode of Sex and the City. SEX AND THE CITY DID IT.

Soooooooo, remember when Carlisle said that thing to Cora about bringing Lavinia back? Well, Cora brought her back and she shows up at dinner and no one knew she was coming except for Cora and Carlisle. Ugh. CORA! Lavinia wheels Matthew into another room so they can talk and Matthew tells her that nothing has changed. She counters with uh, yes, something has changed, and that something is that this time SHE IS NOT LEAVING NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. Haha. Lavinia! Take a hint!

Back at the hotel, Carlisle says to Mary: “You have given me the power to destroy you, and don’t think I won’t use it.” “Don’t ever cross me, you understand? Never. Absolutely never.” And gets real close to her face:

WHAT! A! JERK! But I do appreciate that now it will be impossible — as a viewer — for Mary to stay with such a jerk for very long. He was creepy anyway! Boo him! Go away faster!

Elsewhere, Carson has made the decision to go with Mary to her new hotel. He tells Hughes and she says she’ll miss him, and then he makes his classic Carson face.

Later, the whole gang gathers in the parlor (or whatever) while the clock strikes 11, the moment the war officially comes to an end. With each ding dong of the clock ,the camera focuses on a different member of the house’s face, which I assume is supposed to be a meditation on how each one of the has been affected by the war, and it was a great touch and I loved it so much. And then when Bates wheels Matthew to his room he feels his legs again, sort of! For a brief moment! IT’S ALL COMING TOGETHER!

Carson breaks the news to the Lord that he’ll be leaving with Mary when she moves into her hotel, but will stay until they find a proper replacement. “Whoever we find won’t replace you,” says the Lord. Aww jeeze.

As the episode ends, Bates gets another telegram informing him that his wife has died. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

DID BATES MURDER HIS WIFE? DID O’BRIEN MURDER HIS WIFE? WHODUNNIT? WHODUNNIT?!?!?!

Next Week: I hope we find out whodunnit!