Chet Haze FINALLY Breaks His Legendary Silence On The Subject Of Bullying

Oh brother. Really, dude? Within the infinite possibilities of the multi-verse there is an alternate planet Earth out there in which Chet Haze stopped for a second and thought, “Hey, why don’t I NOT write this Tweet.” That’s a scientifically proven fact. (May or may not be a fact, but there is some kind of pop science behind it. I listen to RadioLab, OKAYYYY?) In general, there might be a little bit too much hand-wringing in the current trend of anti-bullying rhetoric. It all feels a little bit over-protective. Then again, children are actually hurting themselves and living in fear, so that’s a problem too. The idea of telling a parent, or the child him/herself for that matter, to just buck up because it’s going to build character and they’ll be better off for it down the road seems like a tough sell. On the one hand, yes, everyone was basically bullied to some extent or another when they were younger, but there is a new reality to the reach and omnipresence of bullies, who can now populate the on-line world as well as the locker-filled hallway with their taunts and humiliation. That’s tough! And new! No one actually fully understands the effects and ramifications of it because it genuinely hasn’t existed before. So, there’s that. The point I’m making is that in the general debate over modern bullying, I’m not sure how anyone could be anything other than ambivalent because there are fair points to be made on either side of things. (This does not mean that anyone needed Chet Haze to jump into the fray. But we’re about to get back to him in a second.) All of that being said, the issue of bullying is inarguably problematic when we get to the subject of SUICIDE, which is an altogether terminal and serious thing. No duh. Even a Northwestern student should know that.

It’s just terrible. We don’t even really need to get into it. If there’s someone who doesn’t think that children killing themselves to escape the pain of their own tormented existence is terrible, they should KILL THEMSELVES. And making any kind of judgement about the quality of a person’s character post-suicide is just so grossly beside the point. The time for addressing flaws or faults or weaknesses or red flags has clearly passed. Things have reached their most unfortunate possible conclusion and now we have to live with that. If the person was weak, or if the person should have talked to someone, or if the person should have this, or the person could have that, it’s all meaningless now. Perhaps there is some very minor way in which it can be analyzed for preventative measures in other similar situations, at best, but even then it’s thin soup. Just grieve. Make peace. I don’t even know what.

But to post a vague, generalized tweet like this is actually straight up nuts. For one thing, Chet Haze was raised in an impenetrable cloud of wealth and privilege and obviously that does not actually prevent anyone from existential pain or depressive tendencies or escapist drug abuse or any other visible signs of WEAKNESS, so it’s not that he is without the capacity to understand how someone might “fail” in this way. But those high-class manifestations of similar problems tend not to be the result of pure desperation and hopelessness. But armchair psychology aside: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS TWEET FOR? The people he’s talking about are theoretically dead. So it’s what, to stick it to their friends and family? Let them know that Chet Haze thinks their dead loved one is a fucking pussy? (Sidenote: who CONDONES bullying? That’s not even a thing, you moron.) There’s no real “here” here. Setting aside the deep, impossible mystery of who this tweet is directed at, we are now faced with the question of what the POINT of the tweet is. What is it? He doesn’t condone bullying but he thinks Congress needs to take a stand against teenage suicide victims and strip them of their citizenship? I mean, what on Earth is the viewpoint being expressed here? He thinks they’re weak, yes, but so what? What is his desired outcome? You would need an Eingma Machine to decode this fucking thing.

Or is it just so that everyone knows that Chet Haze would never kill himself? Is it a cry for help? We weren’t that worried about you, Chet Haze, should we be worried about you? Well we will all stop worrying because we can tell that you are one tough son of a bitch. Who else would have the courage to insult suicide victims and their loved ones for no discernible reason on a social media platform? Powerful stuff. So brave. American Hero.