Facebook Masturbation Song, OR: “What We Always Talk About When We Are Talking About The Internet”

Another day, another teenager posting a video on YouTube of himself singing a song in his bedroom about he masturbates to all of the Facebook profiles of the women he knows. QUE SERA SERYUCK! The lyrics are NSFW so if you do decide to watch it, then headphones UP, but you probably don’t really need to watch it. I mean, take a wild guess at how you think it’s going to go and you’re probably pretty close. “But there’s no way that he takes his shirt off at the end, right?” Guess again! Perhaps the most “ironic” moment in the video is when he tells women to be careful what they post to Facebook, because if they post something too sexy he will see it and jack off to it. Well, right. But also YOU be careful what YOU post to the Internet because EVERYONE will see it and they will MAKE FUN OF YOU to it. (See also: college admissions offices, job application processes, and multiple other life events in which perhaps you will hope that the Internet never existed, self-proclaimed “Jack-Off Bandit.”) All in all, this video simply brings us back to our evergreen conversation about how happy we all are that we did not have the Internet when we were younger to publicly make horrifyingly bad mistakes, and how scared we are for the children of today who do have it and all that it seems to entail apparently.

“Perfect. That’s why they call me the One Take Jack-Off Bandit. Annnnnnnd SEND.”

There is an argument that suggests that in this new era of over-sharing and Individuals as Brands that what seems horrifying and of potentially catastrophic negative effect to older people is going to be seen as routine and completely unexceptional to younger generations so that it will be weird if you DON’T have depressingly poor judgement when it comes to your privacy. There are still a few problems with this argument, I think. For one thing: people change as they get older, and while I agree that there will be a lessening of the shock and awe that accompanies certain on-line displays of ill-advised buffoonery, it won’t be impossible for people who are somewhat inured to it to still judge and perhaps punish others for it in the professional and personal realm. As another example, even though the Internet didn’t exist when I was younger, I still made a host of decisions that have now made it virtually impossible for me to hold elective office. There are and have always been people who operate at higher, more determined, more thoughtful levels, and those people will of course continue to succeed and prevail, it will just be even easier than ever to differentiate them from the stupid rabble with 12 frequently alienated Twitter followers and a published history of bad ideas. People who know what they want will always be careful, but it’s hard to know what you want, and it’s unfortunate when people have access to an almost unlimited number of highly visible ways to fuck what they want up (because what they think they want is massive amounts of attention for 3 Internet hours). We tend to have a short-attention span and limited short-term memory when it comes to these kinds of things, which is good, but the Internet will always be there to remind us. Forever. And ever.

Whatever. Forget it, Gabe, it’s 2012 Town. GET THAT NUT, BOYS!