Finally A BELIEVABLE Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Backstory

In 2010, Paramount Pictures, Nickelodeon, and Michael Bay’s production company Platinum Dunes announced that they’d be coming together to produce a live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot because ???? and $$$$. And last week it was announced that the movie is set for a December 25th, 2013 release, but when the world heard about this the world asked: “Hey Michael Bay, how are you going to reboot Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — a story that so eloquently expressed the anxious hope of the ’80s and ’90s — for a 2013 audience? Not to say that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is no longer a thing that people like and that maybe it shouldn’t be rebooted — nonononono, far from it, definitely not that, definitely reboot everything forever — but, just, how are you going to spice it up? Surely you’ve got something up your sleeve? Maybe something that kind of makes the title ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ not make sense anymore? Something like that?” The world all asked that same question in unison, and recently at the 2012┬áNickeloden Upfront, Michael Bay responded.

Hahahaha. Aww, Michael Bay. That first sentence doesn’t even make sense! “When you see this movie, kids are going to believe one day these Turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie.” You poor baby. And then, so, now the Turtles aren’t going to be mutants anymore? They’re going to be Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? MR. MICHAEL BAY! Get back in your room and don’t come out until you have a better way to update Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Maybe give them all iPods? I know you can think of something! Change their names to famous rappers names? (Via Ain’tItCool.)