Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments

This week, we received an email to the tips line from a guy whose name I would like to publish in full so that whenever an employer or college admissions office or whoever did a Google search for him they would find this post talking about what a jerk he is, but I won’t, because that’s rude, and at the end of the day he is just a human being doing the best he knows how even if his best is totally awful. Because this is not a website about doling out punishment. Our targets are best when our targets do not even know that we exist. It’s just jokes. Let’s keep it breezy! Anyway, without going into specifics, this guy had some issues with some of the content on the site and he turned those issues into very personal and potentially hurtful comments and threatened to stop reading unless some changes were made. Uh, hey, buddy! Just stop reading! We’re going to be fine when you stop reading. Just stop! Who is making you? Just stop. You don’t even have to tell us that you stopped. We will never know. The vague and poorly illustrated point that I’m trying to make is that everyone has opinions, and everyone has a burning desire to share those opinions. Blogs share opinions and blog comments share opinions on opinions. But if you’re going to tell a perfect stranger how you feel without them asking you to do so, please make sure that what you have to say is valuable and constructive and not just venomous garbage that you’re spewing out because you signed up for a free email address and you wrongly believe that entitles you to jizz your opinions into everyone’s eyes. What I’m saying is don’t be an asshole like Schmbradley Schmroach. And now, to the ball! LET’S HAVE SOME FUN BEFORE WE DIE!

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the Paula Deen And Your Boyfriend Caption Contest, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 catweazle | Mar 5th Score:61

“When asked for comment, God shrugged, said ‘Is that DJ Tanner’s brother?’ and continued looking at humorous images on George Takei’s Facebook wall.”

Posted in: Kirk Cameron Finally Breaks His LEGENDARY Silence About Gay Marriage
#4 waitingforguffman | Mar 5th Score:72

You know what else is as “old as dirt,” Kirk Cameron? Homosexuality.

Posted in: Kirk Cameron Finally Breaks His LEGENDARY Silence About Gay Marriage
#3 R2D2, Esq. | Mar 5th Score:77

If gay marriage is wrong, then how do you explain the fact that bananas are proof of God and He made them the same shape as penises and that both things can go in your mouth? #varsitydebateteam #checkmate

Posted in: Kirk Cameron Finally Breaks His LEGENDARY Silence About Gay Marriage
#2 Dr. Feelgood | Mar 7th Score:99

You goin to post pics of those sandwiches or what.

Posted in: Unpacking The Mysteries Of The Olivia Munn Photo SEXTs

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Great jobs, all around. Except that photo reminds me too much of what the real photo said, and I would rather not be reminded of what the real photo says if I can help it, rejectedjeffdunhampuppet! Can you even believe what that photo said? I can hardly believe it. My goodness. I’m so sorry, Olivia Munn. The rest of you: Congratulations!]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1 Arrested Development Reference | Mar 5th Score:-8
This is a wildly unsurprising statement from a person who’s been living on the very edge of relevance (and reason) for years now. If you’re surprised at the furor, why are you even commenting on the furor, which, knowing your readership, will probably lead to a little more furor?
Posted in: Kirk Cameron Finally Breaks His LEGENDARY Silence About Gay Marriage

[Ed. Note: Wait, who are you talking to? I had to actually go back to your comment to figure it out. I think you’re talking to me? So let me just clear a couple of things up: “living on the very edge of relevance” is a generous compliment and I will take it. Very few people would agree with you, and most of them are skipping over this to post a GIF in the comments. As far as reason is concerned, I disagree with you. I think most of my reason is pretty sound, to be honest. I miss the mark sometimes, but as a general rule I don’t think I’m LIVING ON THE EDGE OF REASON. This isn’t Gas Light for heaven’s sake. If anything, I think you’re the one who’s having some reasoning troubles. For one thing, you reduced a relatively substantial post filled with various thoughts and comments to a singular statement, which makes no sense. You also seem to think the post is an expression of confusion over the furor that arose after Kirk Cameron’s homophobic statements. It’s not. The only person who was surprised by the furor was Kirk Cameron himself. We’re all on the same page about this furor and how it makes sense. And to answer your final question, even though I know it was rhetorical, I commented on this issue in the first place because that is literally my job. That is how my landlord gets his money. But most importantly, you, sir, are the one who is living on the edge of reason because I don’t even know what you want to say with your comment. Like, are you for or against Kirk Cameron? It’s impossible to know! Anyway, I hope this helps. Let me know if there’s anything else that you’re deeply confused or misguided and mildly insulting but not in a way that’s at all effective or hurtful because you’re too ridiculous about! Thanks for reading.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

djfreshié | Mar 6th Score:52

My girlfriend thinks the same with me. She is 24 years older than me, lol. We met at Ag’eM’in’g’le The premiere club for older women seek younger men to meet and share your interests and sometimes butter and cookies and sugar candies and cakes and pie lol.

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t You Caption It? Contest: Paula Deen And Your Boyfriend

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, djfreshie! You earned it.]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice

Frank Lloyd Wrong | Mar 7th Score:10

Ah, I see he paints in the French-style.

Posted in: A Guy Paints With His Tongue

[Assoc. Ed. Note: [Polite applause.] ]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

waitingforguffman | Mar 8th Score:3


Posted in: Vin Diesel Presents The Ropes

[Ed. Note: I just want to make it really clear that the comment “Preach” was left in response to another comment about how The Ropes just looks like a low rent remake of Road House and so no thank you we already have one Road House and it’s perfect. (Basically.) PREACH, INDEED. Hahhaa. “Preach.”]