An Open Letter To The Fan Who Puked On Michael Fassbender

Hey Lady,

How are you feeling? I  hope for my own sake that I’m not the first one to break this to you, but I read something a little unflattering about you this morning. It was on my homepage, Irish Central. Now, hold on — don’t get too upset. Let me show you what I’m talking about:

The ‘Shame’ actor reportedly “played it cool” when a star-struck woman got so excited at meeting him in a London bar, she threw up on his shoes.

“He was a bit bemused by his latest encounter and brushed off the vomit and played it cool. “He used to be a barman so he’s no stranger to mopping up some sick.”

Oh girl, I know that was you who puked on his shoes. Your one moment to meet your favorite superstar Michael Fassbender, the guy you talk about nonstop, man of all your dreams. You finally get your shot, and what do you do with it? You BARF ON HIM. The stuff Seventeen Magazine’s “Trama Ramas” are made of, except so much worse because it was with a famous person and not just a boy in your class. I want to tell you, though, that I know how you feel. I also get very nervous when I have to meet important people. In fact, every time I do I tell everyone I know that I’m going to barf on that person. “I’m meeting [so and so] tonight and I’m going to barf on them,” is what I say. Truth be told, though, I’ve never actually barfed on anyone. Thank god. Hahahaha, oh my god, that would be THE WORST. I honestly can’t think of anything worse than barfing on someone, let alone barfing on someone that you’re a fan of. That is so gross! Was that the worst moment of your life? If that wasn’t the worst moment of your life I’m super sorry about your life, because your life sounds terrible. Hahahahahahaha. Ahhh, you barfed on Michael Fassbender!!! Oh man. You must be so embarrassed.

Your friend,

Kelly (Via ONTD.)