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Saturday Night Live: Lindsay Lohan And Jack White

I very badly wanted this night to go well for Lindsay Lohan. Not because I feel any particular affection for Lindsay Lohan, or because I’m hoping her career will get back on track, but simply because watching someone you expected to do a bad job of hosting Saturday Night Live actually doing a bad job of hosting Saturday Night Live is excruciatingly boring. Ugh, I hate it so much! And this, unfortunately, was that scenario to the XXXX-treme. At least with Charles Barkley you could tell that the rest of the crew were trying to make up for his complete inability to do anything that a host should be able to do. Alternatively, this episode’s towel seemed to have been thrown in long before they began filming. As if they reached into the Not A Good Sketch Idea bag and pulled out all the not-a-good-sketch-ideas they could, shrugged, and then filled the rest of the air time with old commercials. I can’t tell if Lindsay wasn’t given much to do in the sketches, or if her performances were just so lackluster and stumbling that it only seemed as if she hadn’t been given anything to do. Her performances were, I think, the exact way that mine would be if I were ever given the job of hosting Saturday Night Live: deer-in-headlights-y, bland, suddenly illiterate, stunted and confused, but ultimately well-meaning. I could tell that she was kind of trying to do a good job? In a sad, “oh honey, no” way? Aside from the fact that she didn’t even attempt to memorize any of her lines? But yeah, oooof, boy oh boy. She was not doing a good job. Was she ever able to do this kind of thing? She used to be an actress before she was a lady of interest, right? Did the “actress” part of her brain seep down into her face and now it resides only in her cheek areas? WHAT HAPPENED, LINDSAY LOHAN?

Let me begin my “good parts” section of the post by say that, aside from the brief moments where we got to see Jon Hamm, there weren’t really any good parts. I know that sounds bitter and boring, but you can only tell so many lies about the amount of good parts that one episode of SNL contains, and I’m going to begin telling those lies in a second. But before we get to that, the only part I really liked was this:

That was perfect. I wish they hadn’t done the second commercial, but the whole night was terrible so who can even blame this perfect little bit from getting some not-so-perfect on it as well. I liked it because it seemed like a Jack Handey thing and Jack Handey things are my favorite kinds of things. Great job, this!

Oooook soooo, I guess the other thing that I liked was the “Real Housewives of Disney” sketch. It really wasn’t bad! Lindsay was bad in it, no duh, partly because it actually didn’t seem like she was given many jokes to say, (for example, when everyone was giving their funny intros and she just got to say that she was let out of her castle or whatever? That wasn’t her fault), but the idea was funny and everybody else was good! A brief moment of “watching the TV” in an episode full of “mostly looking at Twitter on my phone.”

I’m going to include the “Scared Straight” sketch mostly because I have an unyielding fondness for the format of the “Scared Straight” sketch. And also the blooper at the end was good, because who doesn’t like bloopers. But, like, the part where Lindsay Lohan couldn’t even get through listing the plots from HER OWN MOVIES? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCK?

And, I know this is out of order, but the cold open was good! A good twist on the SNL favorite “Mitt Romney is a robot” joke.

But, ugh, other than that I really don’t know. Did you guys like anything else in particular? The Buddah sketch was so bad. The digital short was bad and Lindsay wasn’t even in it. The house sitting sketch was terrible, but Lindsay at least looked cute in it. What do you guys say? Didja all love this ep? Your favorite ep? Take a seat Maya Rudolph, this Lindsay Lohan ep is ur new fav3z?

Oh and also: Jack White performed. It was like the White Stripes, pretty much! I’m not complaining about it!