Anne Hathaway Stars In The Humblebrag Diaries

Personally, I’m not a huge Anne Hathaway fan. Sorry! She just seems very pinched and cold to the point of being emotionally unavailable and possibly cruel. The words “vagina dentata” come to mind. If her genitals do have teeth, it is simply for the purpose of grinding up male genitalia and turning them into EXCITING CAREER OPPORTUNITIES! Look, Anne Hathaway was clearly determined to become a movie star to the degree that you can’t just turn that determination off or wipe it’s sneer from your face, and she got what she wanted so bully for her, but that doesn’t mean I need to see or enjoy her movies. I am, however, a big fan of this complicated Anne Hathaway humblebrag quote. From the New York Post:

“I never sit in judgment. Lindsay Lohan and I have more in common than people think,” Hathaway tells The Sun. “We’ve all done things we shouldn’t. It is just that I did stuff at college when nobody knew about it. I’m not a saint. I wasted time doing self-destructive things. I found out you can only dance on so many table tops.”

Wowowowowow! What an incredible masterwork of condescending self-absorption! Shall we break it down bit by bit? What else are we going to do? Live meaningful and productive lives filled with deeply fulfilling human relationships and an honest engagement with the world around us? Nah. Let’s break it down bit by bit!

First of all, Anne Hathaway starts her quote off with a lie. She ALWAYS sits in judgement. (Also who says “sit in judgement”? That is something you say when you are an ACTUAL judge or a Rabbi talking about The Ultimate Judge.) You know that she sits in judgement in three ways: one because people who say they don’t judge other people DEF judge other people, two her face, and three because the next thing she says is actually a tacit judgement of Lindsay Lohan. By saying that she actually has more in common with Lindsay Lohan than people think (as if people are just constantly sitting around trying to figure out ways in which Lindsay Lohan and Anne Hathaway are similar and ways in which they are different. It’s a popular party game, I’m sure) she is positing herself as the good one and Lindsay Lohan as the bad one. The worst part is that she’s clearly trying to get some of that sensationally Bad Girl Stink to rub off on her and make her seem cooler and more fun and less like a career-driven ego-nightmare with a vagina full of three rows of razor-sharp shark teeth. Ugh! To simultaneously judge someone, try and steal their Highlander essence from them for yourself, and posit yourself as an enlightened human being who is above it all is a VERY IMPRESSIVE bit of TERRIBLE GARBAGE. Two lines in and this quote is already that rope dancer from the Super Bowl half-time show.

“We’ve all done things we shouldn’t.” OK, sure. This is a thing someone says. Next:

“It is just that I did stuff at college when nobody knew about it.” GAHHH! This is a good one (this is a bad one). First of all, yes, we’ve all done things we shouldn’t, and we all CONTINUE TO DO THINGS WE SHOULDN’T UNTIL THE DAY WE DIE. It’s called being a living human being. Everyone makes mistakes, as Anne Hathaway has already pointed out, but no one STOPS making mistakes. EVEN IF THEY HAVE BEEN TO COLLEGE. (Cool fact to slip in, Anne Hathaway. It may or may not be worth pointing out that Lindsay Lohan did not go to college. Although you already knew that from your nightly tabulation of Similarties/Differences btw A. Hathaway/L. Lohan.) Also, when she says “when nobody knew about it” she’s referring to the paparazzi swarm that awaits her and Lindsay’s every move. I’m sure that is a for real uncomfortable situation, and much like how I am glad there was no YouTube when I was an adolescent because I would have uploaded so many embarrassing things, I bet a celebrity who is better at impulse control and/or controlling her story does appreciate that this tractor beam of attention wasn’t around when she was still “working things out.” But it’s also a real weird division to draw in the sand “when nobody knew about it” because it is just another way of saying “before I was famous.” Cool. Cool, Anne Hathaway.

“I wasted time doing self-destructive things.” Pics or it didn’t happen, Anne Hathaway. This is the Party Girl equivalent of Charlize Theron saying she was a nerd. I refuse to believe that Anne Hathaway was doing anything other than rubbing vaseline on her teeth and stapling acting resumes to the backs of headshots at all hours of the night until someone reeking of Zima emerges from the woodwork to back up these claims.

And finally: “I found out you can only dance on so many table tops.” Ha! This sounds like a group of 50-year-old men in a writers room trying to determine what is the “wildest” thing a “self-desctructive girl” could possibly do. Also, it sounds like a lie. It reminds me of the part in 40 Year Old Virgin when Steve Carrell describes breasts as bags of sand. And, of course, once again we have Anne Hathaway riding that fine line. “I’m a fun girl who used to get crazy and dance on table tops, totally, that definitely happened for real. But now I recognize that anyone who does that is a fucking waste-oid, but also let’s not sit in judgement because we are all God’s creatures, it’s just that God chose some of us to be faaaaaammoouuuuuuuus! I’m Anne Hathaway and you’re watching The Oscars!”

OUR generation’s Gwyneth Paltrow! Seriously.