BREAKING WAHLBERG NEWS: Wahlberg Claimed To Know Oscar Results Before The Rest Of Us

MARK WAHLBERRRRRRRRG! The best. Love this guy. Seriously, when you see Mark Wahlberg’s name in a headline these days, you know that is going to be a GOOD headline. “Mark Wahlberg Opening a Hamburger Restaurant Called Wahlburgers.” “Mark Wahlberg Would Have Stopped 9/11.” And now this: “Mark Wahlberg Says He Knows Oscar Results.” When the future mecha are recovering the historical legacy of their human creators from the Ice Wastes they’re going to just assume that Mark Wahlberg was some kind of president or king because he is found at the center of all our most important stories. Over the weekend, Mark Wahlberg told a reporter that he already knew who was going to win all the Oscars because HE HAS A FRIEND AT PRICE WATERHOUSE:

He said: “It’s not a matter of who I want to win, it’s who I know is going to win.”

When asked how he knew the results, he replied: “Because I’ve got a friend at PriceWaterhouse,” referring to PwC, the professional services company which provides auditing services to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, meaning it is the certifier of votes for the Oscars, a role it has held since 1934.

GahhhhAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Jeremy Lin is like, “Take it easy, Mark, save some BEING INCREDIBLE for the rest of us!” So perfect. Motherucker name drops PRICE WATERHOUSE. “It’s not a matter of who I want to win, it’s who I know is going to win.” PAHHH. Mark Wahlberg!!!!!!! Incidentally, he goes on to make nine predictions (or FACTS) six of which are correct. That’s not bad! He probably won his Oscar pool. Although it’s kind of hilarious to go bragging about your “FRIEND AT PRICE WATERHOUSE” and then get a solid third of your guesses wrong. Not that it matters. He’s Mark Wahlberg! He’s our KING! (Thanks for the tip, Sara.)