When we left our new Downton Abbey friends last week, they were all stage-whispering to each other about poor Bates, having so much dinner, and being generally upsetting. In the final moment of the episode we were introduced to Lord Grantham’s new heir, Matthew, and his mother, Matthew’s Mom, and they seemed nice! We only saw them for two seconds, but coming from the nightmare that was THOMAS AND O’BRIEN, ugh those two, Matthew and his mother seemed like a pleasant enough alternative. As episode two opens, we find them riding in a carriage towards the Fancy Crawley’s house. How nice! But almost immediately our hopes that Matthew would offer a small escape from the bitchy mess of UGGHHH that makes up the rest of the Downton inhabitants, Matthew annoys all of our hearts, just like the Dan Humphreys and Tom Townsends before him.
“I don’t see why I couldn’t just refuse it,” he says. Oh, one of THOOOOSE. One of those characters who you’d think we’d all be on board with from the beginning — the everyman, the Dan Humphrey, the Tom Townsend — but who we are, in fact, not all on board with at the moment, because of how he is a relentless jerk baby just like the rest of them. “And where is the recycling in this place? I think I’m going to keep my empty bottles until I find a recycling bin. Oh and also my diet is composed only of raw food, so I brought my own and I’ll be having that for dinner tonight, and please do NOT open any doors for me.” His mom tells him that he can’t refuse it because he is a CRAWLEY and that is LIFE, but he can throw it away after he gets it if he wants. [email protected]
When they get to the castle house Mosley, a new old butler that, for the sake of what is happening right now, we’re supposed to pretend like we’ve known all along, tries to help Matthew with his bags. OH-NO-NO-NO, SIR! First they help you with your bags, next thing you know you’ll be eating breakfast in bed wearing 14 layers of dresses. He refuses Mosley’s services, explaining to his mom that he doesn’t want to be turned into one of THEM, into which he assumes Lord Grantham will try to make him now that he and his mom are moving into Downton. And he is certainly right! He is going to try to do that! After all Matthew is a filthy, disgusting LAWYER. But Matthew isn’t going to let him, AND he’s going to choose his own wife rather than allow Lord and Lady Grantham to push one of their daughters on him, and uhh oooooh, hey, hello there Lady Mary hello oh no hi what’s up!
OOPS! Mean old Scary-Face Mary was behind you the whole time and heard everything, Matthew. You’ve been at Downton for about ten minutes already, should know by now that if you’re doing or saying something that you don’t want someone to see or hear, THEY ARE GOING TO SEE OR HEAR IT. She invites him and his mother to dinner at 8, explaining, “Dinner: It’s a thing we do here all the time and when we’re not doing it we’re either talking about it or inviting people to it,” and then leaves in a huff. Matthew chases after her explaining that it was only a joke, and she says “I agree. The whole thing is a complete joke,” and oof, things have NOT gotten off on the right foot with these two lovebirds!
Ugh, next we check in with O’Brien, O’GREAT. She’s sitting in the kitchen, looking as mean as ever, explaining that she’s not going to be treating Matthew like an heir. “Are you kidding? A doctor’s son from Manchester? He’ll be lucky if he gets a civil word out of me.” ARE YOU KIDDING, O’BRIEN? I hate to say this but, DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE A MAID? Not that there’s anything wrong with being a maid I’m just saying you’re not an astronaut or a sports star or even a queen, and even if you were you should HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE! Even if they didn’t come out of the most honorable vaginas, you jerk. Ugh, I hate you! Then the red-haired maid whose name is Gwen, I think, received a package. Oooh, a package!
In Mary’s room, she asks her mom why Matthew is even here if they’re going to try to undo the thing that makes him the heir. She tells her that her father is not convinced that it can be undone, but that they’re “trying to find a lawyer who will take it on.” Oh yeah, Lady Grantham? A FILTHY LAWYER? How could you even stand it!
So, at dinner, all of the family and staff line up in a very ridiculous way:
You know, DINNER? Matthew’s mom says, “Thank you, you’ve been so kind,” and Matthew says, “What a reception committee,” And everyone is like:
Hahah. Everyone is so mad that he says that. LIGHTEN UP, YOU GUYS! Maybe we do like Matthew, after all. At dinner, they ask Mrs. Crawley how she’ll keep busy while living at their house, since it isn’t as exciting as a city, EVEN Manchester, EVEN though they always have so many fancy dinners and when they’re not having fancy dinners they’re talking about them. Cora says there’s a hospital she might enjoy, which I think was going to be a funny threat, and then Matthew’s mom says “how many beds?” Oh! She wants to WORK at the hospital! Great, fantastic for her. Everyone’s hatred of Matthew increases when he also expresses interest in working, at a nearby law firm. Everyone is so mad. Not worse than when they saw that Bates had a cane, but still PRETTY mad. Lord Crawley reminds him that he does plan to involve him in running the estate (“You have to get rest and then have someone dress you for dinner EVERY DAY”), but Matthew says there is enough time for that AND a job. Oh yeah, Matthew? Did you even consider the amount of PLEASANT WALKS you’re going to have to take? Then, to close out the dinner, the old lady says that she doesn’t know what a weekend is. <3 Back in the kitchen, O'Brien, UGH, is talking about how "real gentlemen don't work." Of course she is. Terrible. Then Thomas says how he pities the man who gets poor old Mosley's job -- main whatever guy to the new heir -- and then Bates, perfect Bates, says, "Then why did you apply for it?" HAHA, THOMAS, YOU JERK! YOU JUST GOT BATES'D! Then Thomas says, "I thought it might help me to get away from you, Mr. Bates," which isn't even kind of a good comeback. Thomas, you are the worst. Later, Carson bursts into the kitchen to yell at William about a tear in his shoulder seam. It seems like a little MUCH, and after Carson leaves, sweet little Daisy takes his jacket and tells him she'll mend it for him. The nice light-haired maid, Anna?, tells him that he'll be the butler someday and then "he'll do the smacking." SO NICE, THESE TWO! Next we see William bringing Carson a letter that was at the back door, and Carson's face goes from "Huh?" to "Hmmm..." to "WHAAAAAAAA?" Then the music gets intense and next thing you know, lovely Bates sees him walking into a place called "The Dog And Duck." Oh no! A place called the dog and duck!
In the next scene, Matthew’s mom is seeing a patient at the hospital. Pretty much the first thing she says to the attending doctor is, “You know, my late husband was a doctor.” UH YEAH WE KNOW YOU WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. She has honestly mentioned that about 14 times so far. The doctor says he does know that, DOY, WE ALL DO, and he is familiar with her late husband’s work and just shut up about it already, lady. She counters that with saying “Even I studied nursing during the South African war.” UGH, on and on, this one. Then a lady runs crying out of a bed area. The doctor explains that the lady is crying about a young farmer with dropsy of the heart. She asks to see him and, guys, he looks so gross! She asks what she can do to him, “If I’m to live in this village, I must have an occupation. Please, let me be useful.” The gross, undignified apple doesn’t fall far from the gross, undignified tree, apparently.
Speaking of gross and undignified, next we see Mosley complaining about Matthew’s dressing habits. “He chooses his clothes himself. He puts them out at night and hangs the ones he’s worn. To be honest, Mr. Bates, I don’t see the point of it.” I don’t see the point of it either, Mosley. You should come live with me! I never think about what I’m wearing until it’s practically already on and my clothes are always on the floor! C’MON MOSLEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
On one of their many walks, our favorite bitch talks to Lord Grantham about how she wants Mary to marry Matthew. And then in the next scene the red-haired maid is reading the letter she received earlier, and it is revealed that it is a love letter even though the maids are not allowed to see any men. LOVE IS IN THE AIR!
In a brief scene back in the kitchen, Anna catches Carson stealing potatoes.
She’s like, “whaaaaaat!” And we’re like, “So THAT is why Carson has been such a jerk about being a good butler lately. He’s been stealing potatoes!” We’ve got it all figured out.
Back at the hospital, Matthew’s mom is helping the dropsy patient. She suggests a new treatment using adrenaline, but the doctor is unwilling to try it, because apparently the doctor has never even seen one episode of House. She knows how to do it because she saw her husband do it, OF COURSE, but still the doctor says, “We would be setting an impossible precedent that every villager will demand the newest treatment for every cut and graze.” Hahah, what? Doctor, give me a break. When they demand the treatments that they know about somehow, you say, “No.” If you don’t want to do it. Doyoyoyoyoy. But whatever, he is firm in saying that it isn’t reasonable.
In the kitchen, O’Brien is badmouthing Matthew again. Of course. I DID say that she was in the kitchen, DIDN’T I? Ugh, the horrible woman. And then! Oh no! Cora walks in. OH NO! CORA IN THE KITCHEN!
She reprimands O’Brien, saying that it isn’t her place to discuss it. “Mr Crawley is his lordship’s cousin and heir, you will afford him the respect he is entitled to.” O’Brien won’t shut her terrible face about it, no doy, and says that Cora doesn’t like him either. Cora cuts her off saying, “You’re sailing perilously close to the wind, O’Brien. If we’re to be friends you won’t speak in that way again about the Crawleys, or any member of the whatever family.” Then she says she’s going up to rest, and asks to be woken up at the dressing gong. And I think, “Does she get changed to rest? Is it a full sleep or just a lie down? Does she take off all of her million pounds of makeup?” It pains me to think that I may never know the answers to any of these questions, and it also pains me how jealous I am that she just gets to go REST in the MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
Thomas doesn’t think it’s fair that O’Brien got reprimanded, and says that it’s the law that they can say what they want down there. “Free speech.” “Free speech, I should also be able to post positive things about anorexia on tumblr.” O’Brien says that she and Cora aren’t friends, and Anna and the girls aren’t friends either. “We’re servants, you and me. They pay us to do what we’re told, that’s all.” Uh, DUH? You’re the worst, O’Brien. Mind your business.
Back in Matthew’s room, Mosley is trying desperately to get Matthew to let him dress him. “JUST LET ME SHOW YOU SOME CUFFLINK OPTIONS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!” Matthew doesn’t budge, saying that he knows he’s a disappointment to him but he’ll never get used to being dressed like a doll. “Surely you have better things to do,” Matthew says, and Mosley is like uhhh nope this is my job, and Matthew says, “It seems a very silly occupation for a grown man.” Uhhh, WHAT, MATTHEW? I didn’t know that I loved Mosley! What a jerk thing to say! You, of all people! You gross lawyer! I would never have expected that from you, just kidding yes I would because you seem kind of terrible! Mosley stands in the room looking sad for a while, and it is just so sad.
In the girls room, the girls are talking to Mary about why she doesn’t like Matthew. “Well, because I seem to have a bad attitude in general that would’ve likely swayed me against liking him, had I not even walked in on him talking about how he didn’t want to marry me, which I actually did do. Sooooo.” Then Edith is fidgeting with a book and she slips a letter out and the letter is to Mary from Evelyn. WHO IS THAT? Hopefully we’re not supposed to know yet! For a moment I think it might be the youngest daughter, but then Cora comes in and confirms that the youngest daughter’s name is Sybil. “Ooohh right,” I think. “Sybil.”
Cora tries to explain to Mary that it’s useless to dislike Matthew because there is nothing they can do to keep the estate anyway. Mary thinks that that is ludicrous in the 20th century, which seems correct, and she won’t hear of it. But then Cora uses her monster voice and says “FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE WILL YOU PLEASE JUST LISTEN.” Eeeep! Mary is legit scared of her monster voice.
Cora suggests that Mary marry Matthew. Mary is like, “GROSS, wait until GRANDMA hears that gross idea you had.” And then when Cora tells her that it was grandma’s idea, Mary makes the exact same face she made at the monster voice.
At dinner, everyone is just being so annoying. I barely even want to talk about it. Mary gives Matthew a hard time about not liking sports, and then calls him a sea monster. The end.
Checking back in with the HELP, Carson is talking to the old maid woman and she mentions that she talked to Anna. Carson flips his shit about what Anna talked about. “DID SHE TELL YOU I WAS STEALING POTATOES BECAUSE IF SHE DID THAT IS SO CRAZY I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW SHE’D COME UP WITH A CRAZY THING LIKE THAT I DON’T EVEN LIKE POTATOES WHAT ARE POTATOES WHO IS ANNA.” Then the lady said Anna only talked about how she thought Thomas was bullying William and uhh, what’s your prob, Carson?
Back at the kitchen, the young men and women listen to William playing piano. Daisy, beautiful sweet Daisy, has a book of dances and says she wants to do one of them, so Thomas dances with her. IT IS SO CUTE. Stop being cute, Thomas, I ALREADY HATE YOU!
After her terrible keeper yells at her and tells her that it’s time to go to bed, Daisy tells Thomas, “Thank you, that was beautiful,” and it is the sweetest thing.
After dinner, the Countess walks out of the house with Matthew, and they talk about why Mary doesn’t like him. He says he understands because her father’s house and mother’s fortune are going to be given to him. “What would you say if the entail were set aside in Lady Mary’s name,” asks the Countess. Matthew says he’d deal with it with as much grace as he could muster. OOooOOooOOooooh. So is he just going to give it to her, then? He doesn’t want it. He should just do that! Or they should just get married! EITHER WAY! Later, the old bitchy bitch tells the doctor to get rid of Matthew’s mom. Lady, can you chill?
The next day, in the kitchen, Bates walks in on Anna alone. Everyone else is gone to see a traveling salesman, because this is OLDEN TIMES, and then the doorbell rings. But wait! OH NO, BATES HAS A CANE! And Anna is a woman! WHO’S GOING TO GET THE DOOR?!?! But then Bates gets there in fine time. Oh. NBD. And at the door he finds a very silly looking man who asks to see Lord Grantham.
Bates tells him Lord Grantham isn’t home, and the silly guy is like “you’re not the butler, Carson is!” You got him there, silly guy! He tells Bates that he’s looking for Carson, and Bates says ok BRB. But then the guy comes right in and walks around like he owns the place! Anna runs to find Mr. Carson, but Lord Grantham comes home first. The silly man introduces himself as Charles Grigg, explaining that he and Carson worked together at one time as a doubles act called “The Cheerful Charlies.” LOLOLOLOLOLOL. The guy was blackmailing Carson, threatening to expose his past, which explains THE POTATOES! When the truth is all out, Carson resigns. But Lord Grantham tells him not to be so melodramatic and calls him the biggest drama queen he’s ever even seen in the world and maybe just take off his drama queen costume and get off the stage ’cause NO ONE is impressed. Lord Grantham offers Charles Grigg 20 pounds and tells him to leave or he’ll call the cops. BOOM!
At the hospital, Matthew’s mom is there with the adrenaline. She is giving the doctor the hard sell about using it, and he finally listens! Yay! “Well, Mrs. Crawley, I believe we will sink or swim together,” he says. But then, just after Mathew’s mom gave the farmer’s wife a great sell on giving her husband this treatment — “If he gets it he might live, if not he will die” — old Countess barges in and tells her not to do it, and tells the doctor not to listen to her. “I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT MEDICINE LOOK HOW OLD I AM.” But the farmer’s wife still wants them to do it! AND IT IS SO DISGUSTING! I can’t believe how gross it is. His hearts stops after the drain the disgusting fluid, but then it starts again with the adrenaline! Yay, we did it! We all did it together! Because of this, the doctor and Lord Grantham decide to make Matthew’s Mom a chairperson at the hospital, equal with Old Bitchy. What a beautiful day!
Matthew makes a final plea to Lord Grantham to get rid of poor Mosley, but he refuses, stating that “We all have different parts to play, Matthew, and we must all be allowed to play them.” “Your part is kind of like a Dan Humphrey part. You should rent Gossip Girl and see how to play it.”
The final scenes of the episode take place while everyone heads to the ceremony to make Matthew’s Mom a real Hospital Gal. As the Little Ladyships head there, we find out who Evelyn is! IT’S A MAN! Just like Evelyn Waugh! And I guess it’s some high-class guys because Mary says, “Who wants a sea monster when they can have Perseus.” Ugh, Mary. You know who’s a sea monster? YOUR PERSONALITY.
On the help’s way to the ceremony, William almost asks Daisy to walk with him but she cuts him off, asking if Thomas is going. Haha, uuhhhhoh! Her loud keeper woman butts in and says to stop flirting, but Daisy explains that she wasn’t — “Not with him.” ‘Cause she likes Thomas and “Thomas is different.” And her then her keeper gives a knowing, “Yes he is,” because uh, Daisy, THOMAS DOESN’T LIKE…YOUR…TYPE!
And to finish off the episode, Matthew’s finally lets Mosley dress him.
ONE OF THEM! ONE OF THEM!
I’m glad everyone was so nice this episode! No one even complained about Bates at all! CAN’T WAIT ‘TIL NEXT WEEK! I hope they have more dinner!