The 2012 Academy Awards

I really did not expect to dislike the Academy Awards so much this year. I was kind of looking forward to it! It’s kind of an easy thing to look forward to! AN EVENT! Finally, a reason to eat a bunch of stuff and open a bottle of champagne and wear our outfits that we bought for New Years Eve. I expected to be boring and unpleasant, sure, but MADDENINGLY TERRIBLE? I did not expect that! I guess Billy Crystal had some new tricks up his sleeve after all. Firstly, and I don’t want to harp on this but here I go: the tinny robot noise that happened every time someone spoke? Holy moly! That made the entire night so much worse! I can’t believe they never fixed it! The most important awards show of our life RUINED! And other than that mess, what was the deal with all of the race jokes? Why was that a theme? “I’m totally open to jokes about black people but, please, do keep the rest of the jokes about how old some people are and how things are different now from how they were in the past. Oh and make them all painful to watch, thank you!” Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell and Bridesmaids and Tina Fey were there, sure, but what difference did it even make? Zero difference. Just a terrible, boring nightmare of a fame self-celebration. And who even cared about who won any of the awards, except for when Christopher Plummer won his award because that was great. OH! Except for the Christopher Guest focus group. That didn’t make me upset! So, please, scroll through our photo album and remember the bad decision you made about how to spend your Sunday evening. Full list of winners after the jump.

Best picture: The Artist

Actress in a leading role: Meryl Streep, Iron Lady

Actor in a leading role: Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Actress in a supporting role: Octavia Spencer, The Help

Actor in a supporting role: Christopher Plummer, Beginners

Directing: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist

Cinematography: Hugo

Art direction: Hugo

Costume design: The Artist

Makeup: The Iron Lady

Foreign language film: A Separation

Film editing: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Sound editing: Hugo

Sound mixing: Hugo

Documentary feature: Undefeated

Animated feature film: Rango

Visual effects: Hugo

Original score: The Artist

Original song: “Man or Muppet” from The Muppets

Adapted screenplay: Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, The Descendants

Original screenplay: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

Live action short film: “The Shore”

Documentary (short subject): “Saving Face.”

Animated short film: “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore.”