They’re back! All our old pals. Oof. You know how on Friday afternoon you are so excited for the weekend and the world feels bright and full of promise and who even knows how much fun and relaxation you’re about to have and then all of a sudden it’s already Monday morning and you’re like the fuck? That’s it? That is how the most recent Walking Dead hiatus felt. Christmas and New Year’s and the Super Bowl and the Grammys and the Golden Globes and my friend’s birthday and that quote from Mark Wahlberg weren’t enough. “I NEED MORE TIME!” Have you ever seen Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal when the knight plays chess with death? Well here’s a fun fact: whoever lost that game had to start watching The Walking Dead again. ANYWAY, we pick up right where we left off. There’s still smoke pouring out the barrel of Grimes’s gun after he shot Sophia right in the zombie kisser. Everyone is wailing and crying. One of the Farm Girls runs over to the bodies and is like “mama!” and it’s like “grow up!” She starts turning over the double-reverse-dead-undead bodies and then her zombie mom reaches up and grabs her head and is like NOM NOM NOM. The thing is, what is even going on here? I would not go rooting around through a pile of corpses even if they WEREN’T smelly rotten zombie corpses. At least put some rubber gloves on if you want to “mourn.” It takes the whole gang of superfriends to pry the zombie off of her. T-Boz tries to Ryan Gosling in Drive elevator stomp the zombie to death, but for some reason that doesn’t work so weird you’d think that would work, huh, but then Andrea kills it with a scythe to the back of the head. Good thing there was a scythe lying around!
“What’s a common thing you find laying around any farm besides a cow? A big old scythe.” – Walking Dead Writers Room
The actress who played Andrea probably did six months of “scythe work” with a professional scythe trainer to make it look so natural. “It’s all in the hips.” So. Everyone’s pissed. Herschel’s pissed. Shane is pissed. Grimes is pissed. Dale is pissed. Maggie is pissed. Herschel tells everyone to get off their land and Shane yells at him about whatever Shane is always yelling about and Maggie slaps Shane. It’s very tense. But Glen is ready to do whatever it takes to protect his lady love.
Haha, Glen. “If you want to get to her you’ll have to go through me but as soon as you’re done going through me I beg you not to hurt her.” Shane and Rick have their umpteenth argument about who is doing a better job at trying to protect everyone. At a certain point, maybe in 100 seasons, I think at least one of them will realize that they live in a Zombie Filled Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare and that even in the regular non-zombie world of the past it was impossible to keep everyone safe. You can’t even reliably go to the same brunch place forever. Eventually it will close or you will move. Nothing is forever. So let’s just get through this as best we can. Oh. No? More yelling? Perfect. In the farmhouse, Glen asks Maggie if they knew that Sophia was in the barn. GOOD GRIEF, WHO CARES?! I have no idea how characters struggling to survive in a waking nightmare could possibly care about that, but as a viewer I definitely don’t. Does them knowing she was in the barn make her not be a zombie that Grimes just shot in the face? How about a question like “did you know that Sophia was HOW MUCH LONGER UNTIL WE’RE ALL DEAD AND/OR RENDERED INSANE BY THE NATURE OF OUR SITUATION?” That seems like a more important question. “At least now we know and we can all move on,” Glen says. “We’ve lost people before, but this was Sophia.” ARGHHHHHHH. Hey, remember 8 interminable episodes ago when NO ONE EVEN KNEW WHO SOPHIA WAS? And now apparently she was the King of the Survivors? Fuck Sophia. I’m glad she’s dead. They shouldn’t have wasted the grave on her stupid baby zombie body. Throw her on the pile and burn that shit like the rest of the garbage. Sophia. PTOOEY. I spit on Sophia.
Carl says that he thought he was going to be the one to find Sophia. Why? Why would you think that? You’re literally the least capable person on the entire farm. You’re even less capable than Glen. “I figured she would be in a tree or a cave somewhere and I would find her.” HAHHA. What are you even talking about, Carl? She would be in a tree or a cave somewhere. You’re an idiot. Then he says that Grimes was right to shoot her (agreed) and that he would have done the same thing (what?). Lori tells Carl that she wants him to go inside and get some rest and Carl just says OK and goes inside. That’s easily the least believable thing that has ever happened on this entire show. I’m ready to believe that the world is for real overrun with flesh-eating zombies before I would believe that a child would happily just go inside and “rest” in the middle of the day without putting up any kind of a fight. Somebody call shenanigans.
It is agreed that they will dig graves for Sophia and the two dead barn family members, and the rest of the zombies will be thrown on a pile and burned. Shane goes to get the truck and has a fight with Dale. Later, Dale will tell Lori that he thinks Shane shot Otis and left him as bait so that he could escape, which is crazy because that’s EXACTLY what Shane did but even Dale is like “I have no evidence that this is what happened, but the writers have decided it’s time to sow the seeds of suspicion into our group.” He also says “I’ve known people like this before. It’s only a matter of time before he kills someone else.” Wait, Dale, what? You’ve known SOCIOPATHIC MASS MURDERERS BEFORE?! Haha. Blah. Dig dig dig. Graves graves graves. I have actually read accounts of how long it takes to dig a proper grave without any mechanical tools (don’t worry about it, I love to read) and it’s something ridiculous like 18 hours, but these guys get three big ol’ graves dug right quick. Good job, guys. Now throw yourselves in!
There is a funeral, I guess. They don’t really show much of it. Just a shot of everyone standing over the graves. They need that extra screen time to show an arm fall out of the truck, and then the truck to keep driving for a few feet, and then Andrea to call out to stop the truck, and then Andrea to hop off the truck and go get the arm, and then run back to the truck, and put the arm in the truck, and climb back up on the truck, and then say that they’re ready to go again, and then for the truck to drive some more. Important things like that. Valuable plot devices that move the narrative forward.
Meanwhile, Sophia’s mom is out in the woods, tearing up flowers like a teenage girl who just got dumped right before homecoming. Take it easy, Sophia’s mom. Although I do approve of you finding somewhere private to have your completely pathetic tantrum. Later, Shane will wash her hands in a really slow and methodical and bizarre way, which I think is supposed to show that he does still have some human compassion at his core, but really is just creepy and weird because who has ever done that to a pair of hands with a little bit of mud on them? Speaking of washing hands, let’s wash our hands of this plot thread. (KABOOM!)
The girl who was crying about her zombie mom collapses in the kitchen but Herschel is nowhere to be found. Where’s Herschel? Guys, we need Herschel! Just kidding. I mean, sure, but she just fainted? To be on the safe side, Dr. Gabe would recommend throwing her in the fire pit with the rest of the zombies. You can never be too sure. (At one point, they show all of the women surrounding the woman in bed and caring for her with washclothes and soft murmurs but no one is saying anything? So apparently this is the Marcy May Margaret Maggie Morrissey farm or whatever.) Shane finds a flask in the bedroom and that is how they all know that Herschel is definitely at the bar in town. Haha. That was a surprisingly easy mystery to solve! They spent an entire season looking for Sophia in the woods, but they solved The Mystery of Herschel in two seconds flat. Grimes says he’s going to go into town and this sets off another classic Lori-Grimes-Shane three-way fuck-fight. Grimes takes the position that they need Herschel so that they can stay on the farm and have the baby. Everyone else’s position is you don’t need to constantly run off into dangerous situations at the drop of your comical cowboy hat. This time (and probably every time) I’m on Team Not Grimes. It has been SEVEN MINUTES since Herschel disappeared. Give it a second? Like, give it one fucking second? You may need Herschel to change his mind about kicking everyone off the farm, but Herschel himself isn’t even AT THE FARM at the moment, so why don’t you make like Carl and REST. Grimes takes Glen with him because Glen knows where the bar is. Haha. There are four buildings in town. Mission Impossible.
On that exact same note, Lori decides that within seconds, SECONDS of Grimes and Glen leaving that she needs them to bring Herschel back as if that wasn’t the whole point of them going to find Herschel in the first place, but so now she decides to go after them after she just yelled at Grimes not to always be going after people? WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON HERE? Let’s have one person on this show be mildly consistent in their actions and motivations. (Admittedly, Lori does try to get Daryl to go after them first, but Daryl refuses because even Daryl knows that THIS IS LORI’S DUMBEST IDEA YET. Also that stick ain’t gonna sharpen itself!) Lori gets in a car, pulls out of the driveway, and IMMEDIATELY flips the car over into a ditch. AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA.
R.I.P. Lori. Taken too soon just kidding right on time.
At the bar, Grimes and Herschel have a fight. This show should just be called The Walking Fight. I have never seen a group of people this prone to yelling at each other about every little thing, and that includes the UFC and my parents’ divorce. Herschel is being a crybaby because he realizes now that the zombies weren’t sick. UH YEAH, HI, OK GOOD. But also get over it. We all make mistakes and yes, your mistake was one of the Top 10 Dumbest Mistakes, but also remember how you are still living in Zombie Town? Dry those tears on your suspenders and let’s get back to the business of living. It’s almost as if Matthew McCounaughey’s powerful message of hope has been lost to the ages. In the end, Grimes and Herschel agree that they are both terrified little boys lost in Helpless Woods. Kiss! Kiss! Then the door opens and in walk two new friends!
At first it’s all whiskey and back pats, but then the guys are kind of creepy (gold chains over t-shirts = creepy) and a little too persistent with their questions about where everyone is living and the fat one asks if there’s any cooze on the farm, which, man oh man, if there is one thing you would hope WOULD go forever extinct after the epidemic of the Rage Virus sweeps the globe it is use of the word “cooze.” The fat one also pees on the floor right in front of everyone. Is that a thing? Like, are there a lot of people who just dream of society collapsing around our ears so that they can FINALLY take a piss in front of a group of complete strangers inside a building? Fingers crossed?
Eventually it gets very tense indeed with guns being placed on countertops and shouts of “don’t you ever tell me to calm down ever” and we also learn that in certain parts of the country “walkers” are called “lame brains” which is very dumb!
Finally Grimes plays the ultimate round of barroom Big Buck Hunter and kills both of the dudes. Aww! Defrienstered. It’s kind of a good scene, compared to most of the scenes on the show, but you want to know why? Because it’s basically a scene from Justified but without any of the fun. Ugh, how bad do you guys wish this show would just drop all the zombie stuff and be more like Justified and by “be more like” I mean be called Justified and just be additional new episodes of Justified starring Timothy Olyphant and Walton Goggins? JUSTIFIED!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, as T-Boz and Shane go to light the zombie pile on fire, T-Boz asks “how many more times are we going to have to do this?” Haha. Right. T-Boz has had it iwth these monkey-fightin’ zombie piles on this Monday-to-Friday zombie apocalypse! They light the zombies on fire. Is this a moment? It feels like it’s supposed to be a moment but I’m not sure. It is just a pile of old zombies after all. You going to make me stare at a tire fire next? It’s like watching paint dry on a pile of zombies on fire.
Yup. That’s a pile of dead zombies on fire.
I didn’t watch the trailer for the upcoming season of episodes, so it’s all very exciting I’m sure, but let me make an educated guess: the two men that Grimes killed in the bar didn’t have any friends and there are no repercussions for what Grimes did and Shane decides to calm down and the farm has a bumper crop this year and Lori climbs out of the car miraculously unscathed and names her new baby John Connor. The End?