Is Michele Bachmann still a thing? I haven’t been keeping up with the email newsletter so I’m not actually sure if she’s a thing still. In any case, at a recent Michele Bachmann town hall meeting (which kind of seems like an insult to the term “town hall meetings” to even call it that, but OK) at the Waverly Pizza Ranch (which OK, now THAT is a good name for a restaurant because a ranch for pizza? Where pizzas are allowed to roam free across the open plains? As pizzas should? Good name), she opened the floor to questions, so she does at least understand what a town hall meeting is, at which point some local high school students from the LGBT community confronted her on her gay rights positions. (And then also on prayer in school, but that’s less EXCITING.) Good for them! Most people in high school are way too busy checking and rechecking the value of their Beanie Babies in the bi-annual Collector’s Price Guide to bother engaging face-to-face with a politician running for President of the United States. (I understand what kids are into.) The problem, of course, with confronting Michele Bachmann head-on for her aggressively bigoted political views is that then you just have to sit there and listen to the shit that comes out of her mouth.
Oh brother. Where to even begin? Arguing that gay people have the same rights as everyone else is obviously insane, but to use as an example the fact that they are allowed to marry people of the opposite sex just like everyone else is straight up comical. The only reason that child doesn’t laugh in Michele Bachmann’s face, I’m assuming, is because she’s so disgusted by Bachmann’s condescending nursery rhyme tone. Yuck. You can’t use that tone while simultaneously spouting off such logically fallacious and morally bankrupt garbage. Also, her fundamental argument, that we are all equal citizens under the law and that we all enjoy the same laws and that there shouldn’t be special laws for people just because they aren’t heteronormative (my word, not hers, obviously) white people is just, I mean, good God, woman. Why even bother saying things like that? Why not just say that you hate fags, which you do? The people in this nightmare room (excuse me, nightmare Pizza Ranch) would probably still applaud you.
Which, yikes, guys? With the applause? It totally makes sense that you are there because you support Michele Bachmann, and that is one of your equal rights that we ALL enjoy, but maybe hold your applause while she blindly loses an argument with a 16-year-old. Then, of course, there’s the part where Michele Bachmann says that muslim students are allowed to pray in public schools while Christian students are not. Haha. BANG YOUR GAVEL! REST YOUR CASE, QUICK! I’m not even going to bother looking that up on Snopes because I know it’s a racist lie. Not that it’s a surprise coming from her. The only surprise is that she didn’t bring up the War on Christmas as the primary military strategy of a Bachmann presidency.
I know that criticizing Michele Bachmann for her political views, much less her off-the-cuff views as expressed in a town hall meeting at the Waverly Pizza Ranch, is like shooting fish in a barrel. But yooooo, THAT FISH IS FUCKING RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC AS HELL! (Thanks for the tip, Kate.)