Entertainment Weekly’s cover story this week is titled “The Secrets of Steven Spielberg.” And while many of us were perhaps hoping for lots of the PERSONAL secrets of Steven Spielberg, like what is the meanest thing he’s ever said to someone he loves, or whether or not he thinks of himself as a “good” singer, the story focuses mainly on behind the scenes stories about his movies. NO DON’T TUNE OUT YET! I know you wanted the personal stuff but stay tuned, because the Raiders of the Lost Ark behind the scenes anecdote seems like it could be pretty good. From Entertainment Weekly:
“I was a little bit dubious about what happens when they open the ark,” he says. “What actually is going to come out of the ark? There were a lot of crazy things in the script. I wasn’t sure how much we could actually get on the screen. We made a lot of it up as we were in postproduction.”
Uhh soooo…WHAT KIND OF CRAZY THINGS?! Who even did this cover story, Professor Boring? “Oh, enough about the crazy things, please tell me more about the BOOOORING things. For instance, during the production of E.T., how many interns did the accounting department have?” – Professor Boring. If I were in charge of this cover story it would’ve just been a list of the all the craziest things Steven Spielberg had to say, and then at the end there would have been the suggestion to play a game with your friends where you say OTHER crazy things that could have come out of the ark at the end of Radiers of the Lost Ark. Basically it would’ve been genius because I am a genius. Luckily, though, none of us have to write ANY cover stories to play that exact same game right now! LET’S DO IT!
I will go first:
- A million tiny Indiana Joneses.
- More ghosts, but the faces of the ghosts would actually be faces of the crew members.
- LOTS of garbage.
- A portal to enter the “helping hands” tunnel from Labyrinth.
- A bunch of tiny bombs that explode and you think, aw that’s cute, they’re so tiny! Then you realize that when they explode they release tiny deadly bugs and they’re actually not bombs, they’re bug pods.
- A million tiny Vincent Gallos.
- Penises? I’m sorry to be crass, but a bunch of penises would have been crazy.
- Bats with people faces.
- People with bat faces.
- A million giant babies.
- Flying hats with poison teeth.
- A bunch of barf.
Ahhhhh!! Now that’s how you make a movie, Steven Spielberg. But, to be fair, each of these things could’ve been included in the script originally. I’ll never know. WHAT ELSE COULD HAVE?