Everyone is having a real grumpy breakfast. Seriously, what’s up, guys? Everyone OK? Shane is eating his eggs like they insulted him on his Facebook wall. Andrea’s sharpening a knife. Rick is staring into the middle distance. Only Carl seems like he isn’t about to burst into tears, which would be a first for Carl. Glen sees Maggie standing on the farmhouse porch and she shakes her head. No, Glen! Her head says. Wait, did she really come out on the porch just to shake her head at Glen? From a million miles away? And hope that he is not too distracted by everyone’s pouting to get her message? I also just noticed that no one on this show wears glasses. Congrats on your impeccable eyesight, team! Glen looks at Dale who nods his head. Yes, Glen! His head says. What will Glen do?! Whose silent head messages will he listen to?! Glen stands up and walks 10 feet towards the tent to make his announcement, even though he could easily have made his announcement from where he was sitting. Look, it’s a Zombie Apocalypse. You never know where you’re going to make your announcement until you’re confronted with the real thing. “Listen up, queers!” Glen shouts, which is a weird way to start the announcement but I think he’s just nervous. “So…the barn is full of walkers.” And then for real no joke, THERE IS A DRAMATIC SOUND EFFECT LIKE DUNH-DUNH-DUNH! Oh brother. How exciting is it that the other characters just learned something that we’ve known for two weeks? So exciting? The most exciting? It’s almost crazy how tense and thrilling and exciting it is to see them all find out this thing we’ve known forever. It’s called drama and it’s an Academy Award.
Everyone heads over to the barn where the walkers immediately start pounding and scratching at the door and now everyone is like, “It is admittedly a little weird that we didn’t notice this before! What with the smell and the noise and the multiple padlocks and the secrecy!” Shane and Grimes immediately get into an argument, Shane and Grimes style, over whether or not they are allowed to just shoot all the walkers. Shane says this isn’t safe. Grimes says he’ll talk to Herschel. It is funny knowing that Herschel thinks zombies are just sick people in need of a cure when they show one of the zombies in the barn who has no face to speak of. Like, what is the cure for that? Even if you got their brain working normal again, their face is kind of a rotting open wound. Even your horse scissors and porcupine aspirin won’t fix that, Herschel. It’s also funny considering how secretive everyone in the farmhouse has been about the barn that none of them notice the 10-person screaming match happening at the barn about the barn. Sophia’s mom says they can’t just leave because her daughter is still out there. Shane gets real angry about this and so do I. Then he uses it to make some kind of weird back-handed insult to Daryl about what a piece of white trash he is. Now Daryl is mad. Everyone is mad. The zombies are mad. The zombies start banging on the barn door harder than ever and the camera swoops in on our Superteam of Wonderpals. Uh oh! Are the zombies going to escape right this second and eat everyone’s dicks off? What happens next? Cut to intro theme?! Oh no what next?!
When we come back from the intro theme, everyone has gone about their business and the barn is fine. Oh, OK. False alarm. What with all of the shrieking and the banging and the camera swooping in I thought something was going to actually happen but apparently nothing happened? At all? I would have liked to have seen the scene following the one we just watched where it really seemed like a make-or-break decision moment for the group and then someone, T-Dog probably, was just like “Well, let’s just drop it for now for no reason,” and Shane was like “FUCK ALL OF YOU BUT FINE I’LL DROP IT.” Whatever. Shane looks at the barn by himself. Yup, still full of zombies. And that’s the end of this new scene. Guys, are we all on the same page? Is the barn full of zombies? They’re spending a lot of time on this and it would be a shame if some of us still weren’t clear on whether or not the barn was full of zombies so just to sort of get us all up to speed: the barn is full of zombies. Glen tries to talk to Maggie, but she is pissed. She makes him give her his hat and then she puts an egg in it and slaps it down on his head and throws out some terrible line about rotten eggs. They’re a regular Hepburn and Tracy, these two. So funny. Love their banter and their slapstick routines. Give them a spinoff show, please, just kidding, don’t, Oh god, no.
Lori is homeschooling Carl. Haha. Why? That is literally a waste of a pencil. You could use that pencil to stab a zombie in the face! They’re doing math equations? For what?! She didn’t want him to learn how to shoot a gun, but she definitely thinks he needs to know how to multiply fractions? Get real, Lori. The world is changed, you can feel it in the water. From that one well that has fat zombie guts in it. Carl doesn’t like that Shane wants to leave. “He’s just scared,” Lori says. “Because of the zombies in the barn?” Carl asks. See?! Carl doesn’t need homeschooling, he’s already a GENIUS. Carl says that he’s not leaving until they find Sophia. Lori explains to Carl that this isn’t his decision to make and that he is still just a child, and that things are hard and complicated enough as it is without him making bold and completely unwarranted declarations of intent. Totally JK! Lori accepts his behavior and tells him they aren’t leaving even though as far as everyone knows they are definitely leaving. How is she going to be his teacher when she is not even very good at being his mother?!
Daryl is going to saddle up a horse and go looking for Sophia. Sophia’s mom tells him that he can’t go because he’s still recovering from his gunshot and arrowshot wounds. She says they don’t know if they’re even going to find her, and she can’t lose Daryl too. In response, Daryl…makes an angry face…and then shoves the saddle into the dirt…and then clutches his side…and then yells “Leave me be!” Hahahhaha. Good one, Daryl. Show that saddle who is boss. Hey, speaking of bosses, what ever happened to your fever-dream-brother? He sure seems to have disappeared. Oh well, never mind. I’m sure if the writers don’t think it’s important to be consistent and tie up their loose ends, neither should we.
Outside the RV, Glen asks Dale if he has an extra hat, and Dale says no and throws him his hat. Ew. And Glen puts it on! What?! If Dale threw me his sweat-stained Old Man Zombie Stink Hat I would light it on fire and chop off whichever fingers hand touched it. Inside the RV, Dale confronts Andrea about raw-dogging Shane in the brand new Honda Fit. And also something to do with guns. And the barn. And Grimes talking to Herschel. But mostly Shane. “He’s not a victim,” Andrea says. Well, yes he is. Everyone’s a victim at this point. He just has different coping mechanisms. Mostly scowl-face coping mechanisms. And raw-dogging everyone coping mechanisms. Anyway, Andrea gets annoyed because she is Andrea, and Dale gets an idea. He asks Glen to go get him some water. And Glen agrees! What is even going on here anymore? Get me some water? Fuck you, Dale! GET YOUR OWN WATER, YOU DUMB OLD BITCH! Obviously, this is just a diversion so that Dale can pull off the Heist of the Century with the bag of guns (which, for all of Herschel’s concern about carrying guns around the farm is still just lying out on the dining room table of the RV so I’m not even sure what the distinction is between carrying and not carrying guns since all the guns are right there for the taking whenever anyone wants anyways, so all the fuss is a bit much) which it turns out is just to walk into the woods with the guns and nail them to a tree. Later, when Shane finds out that the guns are missing and that Dale sent Glen to get him some water, he doesn’t even ask Glen why the fuck Dale couldn’t get his own water, he just says that it was a diversion so that Glen wouldn’t see which way he went with the guns so that Shane couldn’t find him, but then two seconds later he does find him? So what even is all of this?
Grimes confronts Herschel, who is in the middle of eating his lunch of stewed peaches and sweet plum wine. Seriously, what is even going on with Herschel’s lunch?
“I find that the peaches and wine help the Bible go down.” Grimes says he knows about the barn and he wants to talk about it. Herschel doesn’t want to talk about it. And now he wants Grimes and his people gone by the end of the week. (Glad to see we are still measuring time out in weeks. Seems important and useful just kidding.) It’s not really clear what Grimes’s play is here. He keeps saying he just wants to talk about it, but it’s like, what’s in it for Herschel? He doesn’t want to talk about it. And now he’s not even hungry for the rest of his peaches. Grimes tells Herschel that if he knew what it was like out there he wouldn’t be doing this to them. Cool. Almost positive that they’ve already had this exact same discussion this season. And by almost I mean completely. The nice part is that no one raises any new points. Good work, guys. You’re definitely going to make it to the regional debate team finals this semester.
Shane and Grimes have another argument. This show should just be called The Walking Argument. Grimes tells Shane that they can’t leave because Lori’s pregnant. Shane makes the “I’m a TV character finding out that I might be having a baby” face.
He tells Lori that he’s very excited about being a father. Now they have an argument. Shane says that Rick isn’t made for Zombie World like Shane is and that Rick is going to get everyone killed while Shane is going to save everyone’s life. What a charmer. Lori tells him that the baby is Grimes’s and even if it is Shane’s it is still Grimes’s. He says it doesn’t matter what she says and walks away. Now THAT is how you win an argument.
Take notes, everyone else on this show who is constantly three seconds away from their next argument. Carl tells Shane that he thinks it’s bullshit that Shane wants to leave before they find Sophia. Will no one spank Carl? Shane says he doesn’t want to hear him talk like that anymore but also agrees that they’ll stay until they find Sophia. Why is everyone indulging Carl’s bossy new attitude? It’s the fucking hat. He’s getting all of his power from the hat! But staying, Shane says, means doing whatever they gotta do to make that happen. “Like helping with the chores?” Carl asks. No, Carl. Not like helping with the chores. I mean, sure, but you were already helping with the chores. At no point has anyone said “I think the problem here is that no one is helping with the chores.”
All of this talk about helping with the chores has reminded Shane that he needs a bag full of guns. He goes to the RV and it’s nowhere to be found because Dale secretly took the bag into the woods to hang it on a nail from a tree. And Dale would have gotten away with it, too, if only Shane didn’t simply walk out into the woods and find him right away. They have a confrontation. Dale points a rifle at Shane and threatens to kill him. Shane don’t care. HE IS A SEX VOLCANO!
Dale gives up the guns but not without telling Shane that he was made for this nightmare world. Easy does it, Dale. For one thing, Shane has a bag of guns now, so maybe we turn it down on the insult-o-meter. Second of all, if Shane IS made for this world, surely someone telling him that he’s made for this world isn’t going to HURT HIS FEELINGS. Dale asks if he really thinks the bag of guns is going to keep them safe, and Shane says yes, because the answer to that question is YES. I mean, look, we can all have different opinions about the barn full of zombies and Herschel and God and the Bible and some of us can raw-dog Andrea in the new Hoda Fit while the rest of us “help with the chores,” but at the end of the day a bag of guns IS useful during a Zombie Apocalypse and Shane recognizing that is not what makes Shane a lunatic.
Meanwhile, in another part of the woods, Herschel has taken Grimes to help him lasso a couple of Swamp Zombies who got stuck in quicksand or something. He tells their life stories. “You see that one? It’s got overalls on, so we have to save it, you see.” Powerful stuff. Herschel explains that if Grimes wants to stay, he is going to need to respect Herschel’s desire to lasso all the Swamp Zombies and turn them into Barn Zombies.
Daryl and Sophia’s mom make up. It’s a total snooze. Glen and Maggie make up. It’s a total snooze.
Shane returns from the woods and starts giving everyone guns like he’s Zombie Oprah. YOU’RE GETTING A GUN! AND YOU’RE GETTING A GUN! EVERYONE GETS A GUUUUUUNNNNNNN! It is impressive, considering how often everyone turns everything into a long-winded debate, how silent everyone goes about getting guns. They don’t even bother saying thank you because it’s implied. Shane gives Carl a gun. Hahahaha. Lori tells Shane that Grimes said no guns and this isn’t his decision to make. Uh, Lori? Everyone’s got a gun now, Lori. And there are no rules. Go upstairs and see if Herschel has a copy of Lord of the Flies that you can read. Shane has the conch. T-Dog goes “oh shit” and everyone sees Grimes and Herschel walking out of the woods with lassoed zombies. T-Dog IS The Noticer.
“I notice stuff. I am The Noticer.”
Shane is so pissed. He starts screaming and stuff. Herschel is like “why does everyone have guns? Does fucking CARL have a gun?!” Keep up, Herschel. The game done changed. Grimes begs Shane not to do this. “This.” Don’t do “this.” Why do people always say that on this show? It’s very confusing. Use your words, guys. This is a meaningless placeholder word. Shane shoots Old Mrs. Peanut in the chest and asks Herschel if a sick person would just keep walking after being shot in the heart and lungs.
Shane makes a pretty good point, doctor. I looked it up on WebMD and it says “good point, Shane.” Then he shoots the lady zombie in the head. Herschel drops to his knees. Uh oh. Shane is on a tear now. He keeps shouting “ENOUGH” and I am out of my seat. Everyone listen to Shane! He’s right! ENOUGH! The show is canceled the end. Oh, Shane is talking about the barn full of zombies. He says that they have to fight to survive, starting right now, and then he hacks open the barn door. Oh brother. There’s got to be an easier way to deal with this situation, Shane. “Occam’s Razor suggests that the easiest way to deal with the tensions on this farm is to hack open the barn doors and have a team of half-trained nincompoops open fire on a mob of zombies including the wife and children of the farm’s owner right in front of everyone’s eyes. Thank you, Occam.” The zombies come pouring out and EVERYONE starts shooting them.
Except Carl. Pussy.
All of the zombies are dead. The barn is safe, or something.
Herschel is crushed. Everyone is sad. Oh wait! There is still a zombie left! You can hear it gurgling and shuffling and doing zombie stuff. It emerges into the light and actually makes a face like the sun is too bright. Ha! Wait, is that a thing? Do zombies’s eyes need to adjust? That doesn’t seem like it should be a thing. But there is no time to consult a Zombie Scientist about this eye thing because we are all so overwhelmed by the fact that the last zombie is SOPHIA!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU! No one can believe that Sophia is a zombie, which hardly seems like the issue right now. The issue is that Herschel and his family have known that these guys were looking for a missing little girl the entire time that they’ve been on the farm, and not once did any of them say, “Hey, uh, so this is kind of awkward, but we, like, uh, found a little girl zombie two days after you got here looking for a little girl. It’s probably just a coinky-dink, but thought you might want to know. Her name is Zombie Sophia.” Grimes moves through the crowd of not-so-sharp shooters and blasts Sophia in the face.
Thank god. Put this plotline out of its misery. (This moment would be way more tense and dramatic if the very first thing Grimes did after he got out of the hospital in the first five minutes of the very first episode was SHOOT A LITTLE GIRL ZOMBIE IN THE FACE. Been there. Done that. Hate Shophia’s t-shirt.) And that is the end of that. Just to recap what happened on this season of The Walking Dead: A little girl went missing. They found a farm. Glen got it wet. The end. This show is coming back in February? TOO SOON!