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The Matt Damon We DIDN’T Bought A Zoo Playlist

Cameron Crowe has made some good movies, yes, but not in awhile. Say Anything? Very good! Singles? OK, sure. Even Jerry Maguire is totally decent for what it is. But I was not a huge fan of Almost Famous, although I recognize it was very popular and successful, but even people who liked can probably agree that this was where Cameron Crowe found two roads in the wood and took the road more awful. Elizabethtown is STILL at the top of the list of the Worst Movies Ever Made. And his latest movie, We Bought a Zoo, looks worse still! Like, so bad. Like, you want to go stand outside Cameron Crowe’s bedroom window with a boombox raised above your head blasting “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”

One of the biggest problems with Cameron Crowe’s later movies is that he seems to have substituted decent soundtracks for actual human emotion and believable narratives. Are the characters flat and the story falling short? Throw in Peter Gabriel’s “Solsbury Hill”! (In general, if there is anything even remotely in doubt, throw in Peter Gabriel’s “Solsbury Hill.”) Music has obviously always been important to Cameron Crowe, and heck, we all like music. Who doesn’t like music? It’s just not how you make an actual movie. (See: Tron: Legacy. Counterpoint: see: Drive.) And now, apparently, Cameron Crowe isn’t just using music to manipulate his audience’s emotions to their own detriment, he is also using it to manipulate actors to their own detriment. The story going around today is that in order to convince Matt Damon to even agree to appear in We Bought A Zoo he made him a special mixtape and that is what sealed the deal. Wait, what? Is that how it works now?! (That is not how it works now.) Here’s the tracklisting:

Pete Townshend, “Save It For Later”
Eddie Vedder, “I’m Open” (Live)
Neil Young, “War of Man” (Live)
The Blue Nile, “Soul Boy”
Jackson Browne, “Mohammed’s Radio”
Shugo Tokumaru, “Sanganichi”
Billy Bragg and Wilco, “Airline to Heaven”
Bob Dylan, “Buckets of Rain”
Don Henley, “Heart of the Matter” (Live)
My Morning Jacket, “I Will Be There When You Die”
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, “Ain’t No Sunshine” (Live)
The Rolling Stones, “Child of the Moon”
Ryan Adams, “If I Am a Stranger”
Beth Orton, “Concrete Sky”
Neil Young, “Helpless” (Live)
Cat Stevens, “Don’t Be Shy”
Mark Olson And The Creekdippers, “Nerstrand Woods”

Ugh. Right. No, sure. I hope Cameron Crowe also at least bought him lunch or something. (And I’m sure the MILLIONS OF DOLLARS that Matt Damon gets paid for brushing his teeth might have INFLUENCED HIS DECISION as much as this nonsense Hollywood publicity myth in the making because this did not actually happen.) What I want to know is what is the mixtape we could have sent Matt Damon to convince him NOT to be in this movie.

Ludacris, “Get Back”
Dinosaur Jr, “Puke and Cry”
Cap’n Jazz, “Planet Shhh”
Magnetic Fields, “You Must Be Out Of Your Mind”
Big Pun, “I’m Not A Player”
Kelly Clarkson, “I Do Not Hook Up”
Pavement, “Spit on a Stranger”
Mariah Carey, “So Obsessed”
Superchunk, “Slack Motherfucker”
Daniel Johnston, “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down”
De La Soul, “No”
Eminem, “Without Me”
Galaxie 500, “Sorry”
Cat Power, “I Don’t Blame You”
Radiohead, “Exit Music (For a Film)”
Jay-Z, “On to the Next One”
Peter Gabriel, “Solsbury Hill”

Better. (Via JoBlo.)