An Open Letter To The People Who Saw Jack And Jill This Past Weekend

Dear the People who Saw Jack and Jill This Past Weekend,

I’m not sure who you are. Much like someone who would actually tell a political pollster, “Yes, Herman Cain is my favorite candidate and I would vote for him to be President of the United States,” your worldview and the way in which you make your decisions in this life are mysterious to me. But there are clearly lots of you! Herman Cain’s poll numbers remain unaccountably high all things considered (or even just a few of the things considered, because it keeps seeming like any one thing about him would be enough to make him go away and yet here we are) and Jack and Jill is the number 2 movie in the country, earning 26 million dollars this weekend. That’s all you guys! Whoever you are!

Normally, a movie opening at number 2 at the box office isn’t particularly big news, but this is Jack and Jill we are talking about. We all watched the same trailer, right? It’s got 3 PERCENT on RottenTomatoes. (Although, in its defense, the #1 movie in the country, Immortals, only has 38 percent on RottenTomatoes, which is not that good, I don’t think? I’m an adult so I don’t DO math anymore, because I don’t HAVE to, because having to do stuff is for children. But I think that’s not so good.) What I’m trying to point out (besides the obvious) is that with everyone having access to the same information, it is surprising that so many of you still decided that you definitely wanted to travel to a movie theater, stand in line, buy over-priced tickets (in THIS ECONOMY no less!) and then sit in the dark and watch this whole movie. The human creature is a funny thing!

But here’s what I really want to say to you:

You go, girls! This is America still, isn’t it? If you want to go see Jack and Jill you go see it! (And you did, apparently. Like crazy.) Unlike some movies that do seem like pandering, lowest-common-denominator cash-grab nonsense, Jack and Jill looks so unbelievably bad and like such a confluence of unforgivable decisions, that it’s hard to pass off as some kind of easy scheme to divorce you from your money. Even now that the movie did relatively well, the questions remain: WHY? And WHO COULD POSSIBLY WANT THIS? No, your consumerist selection of this movie on the open market remains a mystery. It’s not evident. You certainly weren’t duped by misleading information. I bet that movie was exactly as bad and/or good as it looked in the marketing materials. If you went to this movie it is strictly because you WANTED to. And while that may remain baffling and mildly disturbing to the rest of us, you can’t be mad at someone for doing what they want. (That’s not even remotely true, as a sentence. You can be so mad at people for doing what they want. It’s often horrible when people do what they want. So cruel and selfish. But we’re just talking about going to a movie. Relax.)

Life is so short. We’re each of us only allotted so many hours on this Earth, and we all do the best we can to make the most of that time in whatever way we can figure out. Some of us seem to do better than others, but we all make mistakes. We all suffer. And what is pleasing to one person is torture to another. Until finally, after the complete accumulation of all of our experiences, a silently running tally of successes and failures, we breathe our last breath. Death comes to us all. But before it does, some of us decided to see Jack and Jill for some reason. Mysteries are all around. How wonderful.