[Billy Crystal needs no introduction. He also doesn’t need to waste his time doing an interview with us. Which is why this is a fake interview.]
Videogum: Hello, Billy Crystal.
Billy Crystal: Hiya!
VG: Let’s just get right to it. You’re the replacement host for this year’s Academy Awards after Eddie Murphy dropped out following Brett Ratner’s meltdown.
BC: I sure am, and I couldn’t be more excited.
BC: I take it you’re less excited.
VG: What are you going to do one of those fucking medley’s again?
BC: People love my medleys.
VG: They did. 100 years ago.
BC: You’re not very nice.
VG: You’re not very relevant.
BC: First of all, the Academy Awards is a beloved institution and a tribute to the glamour and tradition of Hollywood. It’s not about jumping on whatever tween trend comes along. Who would you rather have, Justin Bieber?
VG: The worst part about everything you just said is that I doubt you even know who Justin Bieber is. You probably sent your grandson a priority letter asking him for a “hip” new reference.
BC: And if I did, what of it? He’s a sweet boy! Whip smart.
VG: You said first of all. What’s second of all?
BC: You should be so lucky to live to my age, much less to have a career that has been as successful, rewarding and long-lasting. The fact that you would be so quick not only to dismiss me, but to be rude and derogatory about it only shows your youth and how much you have yet to learn.
VG: That’s actually a pretty fair point.
BC: Whether it’s because you’re dissatisfied with your own accomplishments, or simply some misguided sense of youthful rebellion where you feel you have to tear down your heroes in order to–
VG: –Slow down, Billy Crystal. I’d hardly call you a “hero.”
BC: The point remains. Whatever you think you get out of treating other people cruelly, I promise you it’s not worth it. It makes you seem small. It makes you irrelevant.
VG: Huh. I guess I never thought about it that way.
BC: Maybe you should.
VG: Nah. You suck! The Oscars are going to suck!
BC: You’re so awful.
VG: You’re so old!
BC: Good luck with everything.
VG: SHUT UP, GRANDPA!
Billy Crystal complains about being cold and falls asleep.