The Walking Dead S02E03: The One Where Shane Gets A Haircut

Shane, who has not been bitten by a zombie but does seem to be suffering from some kind of Smoldering Brood Virus, is in the bathroom at the farmhouse taking a shower and also shaving his head. Wait, what? For one thing, either take a shower OR shave your head, but it seems pretty wasteful to leave the hot water running while you decide to change up your look for fall. Also, showing a character shaving his head with an electric razor while the bathroom fills up with steam from the shower raises a whole bunch of questions that might not have been asked if this scene had just been left out. For example, isn’t the power grid out? Not only just from a logical standpoint by which the power grid would definitely be out, but I think when they went to the CDC last season they were amazed that there was power and the scientist explained that the building was on a closed circuit power supply (set to EXPLODE). I suppose the hot water is just an extension of the same issue, but really, even if the farmhouse is running on its own emergency generator, shouldn’t they be a little more frugal? Do they need to keep ALL of the lights BLAZING all the time, and also allow for long, brooding Shane Showers? And then of course there is the hair, because it is only when a character who has supposedly been running through the woods for two months decides to shave his head that you realize his hair (and face) are almost impossibly well kept considering the circumstances and for that matter so is everyone’s. You guys look great. Nice heads.

Lori and Grimes are sitting at Carl’s bedside and Grimes is telling his wife about how wild Shane used to be in high school. At a certain point in his anecdote about the time that Shane stole the principal’s car and drove it out into a field and filled it with grain and then ran back to school, Grimes points out that Lori has heard this story before. SO THEN WHY ARE YOU TELLING IT? Your son is dying, Grimes. I know you’ve got to do something to take everyone’s mind off of this tragedy, but does that something have to be telling an old story about the man who cuckolded you about a high school prank that doesn’t even make sense? (There is a pun involved, naturally.) To make matters worse, he then explains that this story perfectly illustrates why Shane is going to get back in time with the medical supplies so that the veterinarian can operate on their son. Really? Does it? Does the time that Shane stole the principal’s car and drove it into a field and filled it with grain and then sass-mouthed the principal about his prank demonstrate that Shane is definitely going to succeed at escaping an army of zombies with the medical supplies? Because from where I am sitting, those two things have nothing to do with each other. But maybe I just don’t know Shane the way that Grimes knows Shane. Or the way that Lori fucked knows Shane. Lori asks her husband to please eat something to keep his strength up because she needs him, so he reaches for a sandwich. Uh. No, sure, OK. I’m sure there’s tons of store bought white bread around. Definitely. That is, like, the last thing that would go bad after the collapse of society. “We may not have much, but we definitely have lots of delicious bread that will never go bad.” Good sandwich. Very realistic. Nom nom nom.

The mom of that little girl who is STILL missing (good God, how long is this shoooow?!) won’t stop crying, which is driving Daryl up a tree like an old Chinese raccoon in a honky tonk steel mill (country saying) so he decides to go for a “walk,” and Andrea decides to go with him. Dale does NOT think this is a good idea, and Andrea is a real BITCH to him about it. She seriously needs to chill. It must be so hard having someone who cares about you in this godforsaken wasteland. I mean poor you fer sure. Just by a show of hands, who thinks that it’s just the WORST that Dale cares about Andrea?

They don’t end up finding that little girl (gotta wait for the thrilling season finale in which it turns out the little girl was actually on Jodie Foster’s Flight Plan and never existed and O’Henry) but they do find a guy who got bitten by a zombie and tried to hang himself but so now he’s just a squeaking zombie hanging from a tree. This makes Andrea sad for some reason. The people on this show sure get sad at the weirdest times. Daryl ain’t care about this dumb zombie. “He made his choice,” Daryl says, which I mean, OK. Like, it’s fine to not care about a zombie hanging from a tree, but I don’t think you need to get into this situation as some kind of demonstration of the ways in which we all must suffer the consequences of our behavior or whatever. (Also, the zombie’s legs have been chewed off by other zombies, which is gross but also raises the question of how there even can be roving packs of zombies then? Why aren’t they all just feeding on each other? Never mind. Don’t worry about it. We made our choice. To watch this show.) Daryl asks Andrea if this zombie in the tree makes her want to live, which, WHO CARES ABOUT ANDREA AND HER SUICIDAL IDEATION?! Let her kill herself. Or not. Why do we have to talk about it forever? She says she’ll answer his question in exchange for him shooting the zombie through the head with an arrow, which is a pretty good deal. Then she says “I don’t know if I want to live or not.” Ew. Of course she says that. Andrea, that is seriously not an answer. In exchange, Daryl shoots HER through the head with an arrow, I wish. (When they get back to the RV, Dale will give her her gun back but by then I will already be too bored with all of these idiots to care about it.)

Meanwhile, over at Zombie High, Shane and the fat dude are at a Zombie Pep Rally in the gymnasium. They keep shooting zombies, which seems kind of beside the point. Like, you are definitely wasting bullets and there are too many of them, so why don’t you just save those bullets. The fat guy goes this way and Shane goes that way and Shane is about to jump out a window when a zombie grabs him (clever girl) and he has to pull out his ankle pistol and shoot the zombie, and so he falls and hurts his leg. Oh no! He is shuffling towards the car when he gets cornered by three zombies and it looks like he is done for but then a gun goes off and it’s the fat guy and he’s killed one of the zombies and Shane kills another one, and I don’t remember who kills the third but Shane is saved! Admittedly, when you think about it, it was only three zombies and they seemed to have been moving pretty slowly from a reasonable distance, so I’m not entirely clear on why Shane couldn’t just shoot all three of them, but the point is thank you, fat guy.

Back at the farmhouse, Glen shows up with T-Boz and immediately gets a crush on some girl. LOVE CONNECTION! I can’t wait until they get married at Niagra Falls like Jim and Pam, and all the zombies dance down the aisle to Chris Brown. The doctor explains that if Shane and the fat guy don’t get back soon, they’re going to have to decide whether or not to operate on Carl without the supplies, even though it will probably kill him. Lori tells Grimes that maybe this isn’t a world for children. Maybe, she says, it’s better for Carl to die. GOOD POINT, LORI! Grimes has this weird belief that he would rather their only son live. Weird. So weird Grimes. Stop being weird. The problem with Lori’s argument, of course, is that if she’s right, then why don’t they all just blow their brains out right now? Seriously! Do it! End yourselves! Grimes points out that they had a chance to die when the CDC blew up. (P.S. It will never stop making me laugh how the CDC blew up. Good one, CDC!) This is probably what it’s like at the dinner table with James Carville and Mary Matalin. So many heated political dead-end debates about whether or not it would be better if everyone just died. Has anyone else noticed that Lori makes the same face whether she’s talking about the mercy of her only child dying or eating a sandwich?

Carl wakes up, talks about petting the deer, and then has a seizure. Haha. This fucking deer! Always with the deer.

The doctor says that it’s time to decide. Grimes asks Lori what she wants to do. She says to go ahead and try the surgery.

They move Carl onto a catering cart. Lots of screaming and crying and stuff. Just then, there’s the sound of a truck pulling up. It’s Shane! With the medical supplies! But the fat man didn’t make it. He told Shane to make a run for it, and that’s just what Shane did. How brave of him. Also this surgery shit better work? Like, if this surgery still doesn’t work and Carl dies then the fat guy will have died for nothing.

Grimes comforts Shane, who does seem pretty tore up, by saying that the fat guy was just trying to make things right. Gross. He’s gone, fine. But we do not have to pretend like there is any actual real moral math to be done here by which it was correct and good for the fat guy to die just in order to get some medical supplies that may or may not help save your son who shouldn’t have been PETTING A GOD DAMNED DEER IN THE FIRST PLACE. The doctor tells them not to mention anything to the fat guy’s wife until after the surgery. Hahha. Sure. What is she going to do? Shove her dirty fingers into Carl’s wound? Hush! Don’t tell her! She’ll shoot Carl again! (P.S. The surgery works, of course, no big whoop. Booooorrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiing.)

Shane goes upstairs to take a shower, which we saw at the beginning. He is looking at himself in the mirror as the bathroom fills up with steam because he is truly very inconsiderate about managing scarce resources. There’s a bloody bald patch on his head. Yuck! What is that from? It’s probably from when the fat man was so brave, right? Like, he just was like “Go on without me!” and Shane was like “Take this as something to remember me by!” and gave the man a locket of his hair? FLASHBACK: They’re running towards the truck and the zombies are behind them, which I guess is a problem although they seriously look like they’re lagging pretty far behind and the boys are going to make it just fine. But then Shane says “I’m sorry,” and shoots the fat man in the leg. Oh Shane. This is JUST like the time that you stole the principal’s car and drove it into the field and put grain in it. So funny. We’ll all be telling the story of the time you shot the fat man in the leg, and Lori will be like “not again!” So Shane shoots the man and then wrestles with him and the zombies are coming and it really seems like they could have spent the same amount of time RUNNING and it would have worked out. Shane is kicking at the guy and starts beating him with a flashlight and it’s like JESUS, SHANE, EASY SOLDIER. Then the zombies eat the man’s face and legs and stuff and that’s how Shane got away with the respirator to save Carl. And that’s also why he shaves his head. On the one hand to hide his Lady MacBeth spot, but also because after you do something like that you have got 2 change up your look, gurl. Isn’t that right, ladies?!

They say that you never know what you would do in a situation until you’re actually faced with it, but you kind of think maybe you wouldn’t do THAT?!

Next week: Carl gets shot again and we start all over, probably.