What Bible Stories Should They Make Into Willow And/Or Jaden Smith Movies?

The Bible, you guys, so hot right now. Apparently I am not joking? According to the Paper of Record, the Hollywood Reporter, we are about to see a whole wave (they use the word “flood” because they are geniuses) of movies based on the bible soon.

With half a dozen film projects derived from classic Bible stories in development, it would seem that Hollywood has (amen!) found God. Not since the 1950s, when Paramount and Cecil B. de Mille trotted out a handful of Old Testament tales, has there been so much Good Book on the books. Paramount and New Regency are building the big-budget Noah with Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky; Relativity has Goliath in the works with director Scott Derrickson; Warner Bros. has its controversial Judah Maccabee/Hannukkah movie with Mel Gibson producing (that film is competing with another Maccabee project); Steven Spielberg is considering directing Gods and Kings, a Moses story; and an adaptation of John Milton’s Paradise Lost starring Bradley Cooper as Lucifer is aiming for a January shoot. It’s a veritable flood.

An adaptation of John Milton’s Paradise Lost starring Bradley Cooper as Lucifer? Is it called Oh Perfect, This Is The Best Movie Of All Time Probably? Look, all of these stupid bible projects sound fine, but if you really want to reach the kids these days you’re going to need a vehicle for either Willow or Jaden Smith OR for both of them. So, which bible story should Hollywood adapt 4 today’z youth?

  • The one where Moses is elected Class President and has to help the school fight off aliens.
  • The one where John the Baptist is actually a girl, and also a pop star, and we see what life is like for a pop star.
  • The one where Jonah karate fights the whale. And also there is a pop star.
  • The one where The Book of Job.
  • The one where all of the Israelites have to come together and help the school fight off aliens.
  • The one where Jesus wants to be on a football team but the coach won’t let him but he tries really hard and in the lunchroom at one point the whole school is like “JE-SUS! JE-SUS! JE-SUS!” and Jesus is 9-years-old and his sister is there.

There’s plenty to choose from. Tales as old as time, and all. We just gotta reach these kids and let them know that God loves them, and that they’re not alone even if sometimes they feel like they are, and that if we work together we can keep the aliens out of the schools, and that the soundtrack is available for purchase on iTunes.