This Week In Movie Trailers, You Guys

Well, we’ve got a bunch of bad ones for you today! To be fair, I think it’s actually a mix of genuinely bad and then maybe just bad because I’m being cold and have a short attention span. It’s tough to know sometimes. I’m no movie critic, I’m just a girl standing in front of some movie trailers telling you she hates them. (Very good movie ref, it’s possible that I AM actually a movie critic.) So, here we are. From Katherine Heigel to the couple from Once, we’ve got something this week for either everyone or no one. Who knows. So let’s watch them. Together. I’ve actually already watched them, I don’t want to lie, so just you watch them now. Annnnd ACTION!


I have a very hard time paying attention to action in action movies. It’s my own problem and I don’t expect anyone to understand it, but I kind of turn my brain off and wait for it to be a non-action part whenever things get too action-y. With that said, I have absolutely no idea what this trailer is about. It’s definitely classic Mark Wahlberg, I understand that. But I have no idea what job he has, I have no idea what his relationship is to the kid, I have really no idea what the kid did, and I don’t know why it caused everyone to be in so much trouble. I’m sorry. Really, I’m only half sorry, because I’m pretty sure this trailer didn’t fully explain a lot of those things. I really tried to understand what the kid did and why it related to Mark Wahlberg and why everyone was in so much trouble for it, but I couldn’t. Also: “TOGETHER?” Ugh.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I feel guilty saying that I have no interest in this movie. I understand that it’s my duty in so many ways — as an American, a person who has lots of feelings, a person who likes Tom Hanks, a person who reads Stereogum, a person who is very eager to see a movie that will make them sad — to be looking forward to this movie. But. Unfortunately. I’m not terribly interested in Jonathan Safran-Foer and I’m not terribly interested in this movie. It doesn’t seem like the worst, certainly! And I do love U2. Just not for me. I do support you looking forward to this, if you do.

I Melt With You

This just looks absolutely terrible. I refuse to put more effort into a review of a trailer than they did into the entire concept of the movie.

The Swell Season

More like TWICE, right? Shoulda named it TWICE! This is more along the lines of a movie that I’d like to see because I know it’s going to make me sad. A rock doc. I think there’s probably a 0% chance of me actually going out to see this in theaters, but that’s not because I wouldn’t want to see it. I’m just trying to be realistic about how badly I want to see it vs. how lazy I am and the difficulty (a train ride) it will be to get to a theater that is showing this movie. So maybe another miss here. But not really. I’ll on demand it, if it’s on demand sometime. I will do that.

Joyful Noise

“It’s too expensive and we always lose.” Classic. But, uh, why didn’t they just get people who could actually sing for this movie? Instead of getting people whose voices they had to turn into tinny autotuned robot voices? That’s not what I ever want to hear! I don’t dislike movies with singing, either — I’m no Gabe in that respect. (I am kind of making the assumption that Gabe does not like movies with singing.) They aren’t my favorite but I’m sure there are a few that I enjoy. But I’d like the singing to not make me want to die and never hear anything again. Come on. The cute guy? GIVE ME A BREAK. Cool robot voice, cute guy, can you please never stop singing into that machine you’re really killing it.

One for the Money

Ugh. Katherine Heigel. Tough girl. Accent. Down home. Barf bag. Throw up. Closed eyes. No thanks. Bed time. Already asleep. Leave me alone. Can’t hear you.