How To Easily Get Around The New Rules About Oscar Campaigning

The academy issued some new rules about Oscar campaigning! Have you already been reading everything about this because it is a story that directly affects you and isn’t boring at all? Me too, so have I! I guess in the world of old Hollywood if you wanted your movie to win an Academy Award, you had to sandwich the screening of your movie in between cocaine parties and gifting rooms and secret rooms in the back where who knows what happens. And whichever movie threw the best cocaine parties and had the best secret back rooms got the vote. But now some of that isn’t allowed anymore? From The Hollywood Reporter:

After the nominations are revealed and until final ballots are due on Feb. 21, the restrictions kick in. Receptions will not be permitted after screenings. Individual filmmakers may take part in no more than two panel discussions on behalf of a given film to which Academy members are invited. Additionally, between the nomination announcements and the final vote, Academy members may not be invited to or attend any non-screening event that promotes or honors a nominated movie or individual.

You also can’t say bad things about other movies on Twitter or something like that. UGGGHH. Doesn’t the world have enough boring rules without keeping Hollywood hopefuls from their drug and sex fueled, I assume, post screening receptions? It does! But unfortunately rules are rules and you have to get academy members to vote for your movie SOMEHOW. So. 

  • Do whatever you want but be careful about it.
  • Create a very popular Twitter account that has nothing to do with you or your movie and then once it has a billion followers start saying that the other movies maybe aren’t quite as good as everybody thinks they are.
  • The event that can’t honor the movie or individual can honor a fictional character that the individual has played in another movie, DOOOYY. And then you can do all the drug and sex stuff you would’ve done at a post screening reception. Not to harp on the drug and sex stuff too much but I mean don’t abandon it just because there are a few stupid rules in your way, my goodness.
  • Drug of their choice delivered discreetly to their home with some other nice things.
  • If their birthday or wedding anniversary is in the time after nominations are announced and before the votes are due, send them a nice card.
  • Maybe the screener you send them is made out of drugs? And they just have to put it in a blender after they watch it and then they can use it as drugs.
  • Make a VERY good movie and have some of the characters have the same first names as members of the academy.
  • Find out what kind of stuff some of the members are running out of at home and give them that stuff right when they need it.
  • Have the sex reception BEFORE the screening?

And these are just right off the top of my head right now. I’m sure if all the Hollywood fatcats just thought about it for two goddamn seconds we could make this the best award bribing season of all time!