Please Don’t Try Wedding Crashers At Home And Maybe Stop Using Eyedrops All Together

A University of Wisconsin student has recently been charged with a felony and given a 90-day jail sentence for putting eyedrops in her roommate’s water, drawing inspiration from what Owen Wilson did to Bradley Cooper (I think? I think it was Bradley Cooper? I haven’t seen Wedding Crashers in like three or four days so I’m a little rusty, usually I’m sharper than this) in Wedding Crashers. Of course. Very good. Well done. From the Daily Mail:

On ‘numerous occasions’ late last year Reichel placed Visine in a quart-sized water bottle used by Briannia Charapata, her 20-year-old roommate at her dorm. As a result of continually drinking the water, Ms Charapata began feeling ‘nauseated, suffered from diarrhea, loss of appetite and was tired for no reason’.

Usually putting non-food objects in people’s food and drink like they do in movies works out very well, so this is an especially sad case. I hope it doesn’t discourage other young students from putting insane things in their roommates’ food/drink for no clear reason except because it was in a movie they like, not that if there WERE a clear reason it would be fine, I’m just saying, that would be a real tragedy. But really those symptoms, aside from the diarrhea, let’s not be gross, but most of those symptoms are the symptoms I have just from trying to live life as a normal person in a world surrounded by people I’m too nervous to be around. So that doesn’t sound too bad. But then:

In January 2009, Tonia L. Peterson, of Missouri, was charged with first-degree assault after dumping a half a bottle of eye drops in her husband’s tea in an attempt to kill him. … Poison control personnel informed a detective that ‘enough visine would put a person in a coma with other severe symptoms’.

And also:

In June 2009, Denise Moyer, of Vermont, was arrested for third-degree assault after police were told she had spiked a co-workers drink with the drops a few days before she became ill and died.

Ahhh! Guys! We need to stop putting eye drops in all the drinks! This is nuts! What if we put them in our eyes and then some of it rolls down our faces and gets into our mouths?! How many times does that have to happen before we all die!?! Why are eyedrops allowed to even exist!? Why can ANYONE buy them?! Why is it so easy to die from them?! Why is everything about eyeballs so gross?! (Via Movieline.)