Celebrities Use Outdated E-Mail Clients, But WHY?

The world of a celebrity seems like a confusing whirlwind of press junkets, champagne lunches, secret celebrity blood meetings, and demanding that you have fish flown in from Hawaii for dinner every night — not something that any non-celebrity could ever fully comprehend. But in an interview with Paul Rudd for Playboy Magazine something seemed particularly off. Paul begins telling a story about getting Judd Apatow’s AOL email address, and the interviewer stops him to ask why so many celebrities (he names Steve Carell, Tina Fey, and Sarah Silverman) have AOL e-mail addresses. Paul responds:

“I like AOL because it’s so embarrassing,” Rudd explains. “People look at you as if you’re a fossil. Which you are. But I enjoy that embarrassment. I like being on the outside. Having an AOL address is like wearing Ocean Pacific shorts. It’s so uncool that it’s cool.”

In a Vulture article on the same topic, they cite Tilda Swinton and David Arquette as celebrities who ALSO have AOL e-mail addresses. TILDA SWINTON and DAVID ARQUETTE! Clearly there is some reason why celebrities are refusing to adjust to the gmail world we all live in today. But WHAT IS IT?

My theory is that once you become a famous celebrity, you are implanted with some sort of device that mainly allows you to access your schedule at all times just by using your brain, but also, unbeknownst to many celebrities (but not all, some of them know) it also controls a good amount of what you do every day. That is why some actors are better at acting than others — because their implant went a little better, so they’re more easily controlled, and the programmers just program in the things they’re supposed to do in whatever particular scene it is. So anyway this was all fine, working out well for everyone involved, all the celebrities were able to access their schedules whenever they wanted and the people who implanted the thing got whatever their motive was, I guess money probably, until they realized there was a flaw in the system. This was in 1992. The flaw was that, blah blah, something with the technology, but they realized it could be solved by e-mailing directions directly into the chip. I won’t get into it. So they all signed up for AOL accounts, and that’s how it got started. AOL noticed some suspicious implant chip email activity, so Hollywood had to sign a $100,000,000,000,000,000,000 deal with AOL so they would keep their mouths shut about it, but one of the terms of the deal was that they’d always have to use AOL for their email. Also part of the deal was that they got first pick at whatever email address they wanted, so it was a deal they couldn’t pass up really.

The End