Do you really miss the days when people would make “your mama” jokes and also the days when people would make “your ____ is so _____, it ________” jokes? Yes? A booming, unanimous yes? Well look no further, because Andrew and Joe, totally independently of each other, have you covered on EACH of those fronts! “Perfect.” Kelly, stepping away from the jokes we all really want to hear, would like to share with you one of her favorite videos, because she has been without Internet recently and maybe isn’t totally up on all the latest Internet videos and maybe give her a break about it. Also Andrew says my name in his? I don’t know, everybody; see for yourselves.
Your train so small they should call that shit a t-. Your train so small I tried to board and popped right out the other side. Your train so small I dropped a Kleenex and it had wall-to-wall carpeting. Your shit is so small I threw a rock in the window and it hit everyone inside. Your train small as hell: the dining car on that shit is a Matchbox! That shit is straight minuscule, b, you feel me? Your train so small you wouldn’t let me board with a large pizza, I had to eat it outside. Your train so small it makes Lionel models look like the damn Orient Express. Your train is so small there’s only enough room for you, Kelly Conaboy (Kelly Conaboy is very small), and a handbag–and that handbag ain’t even Kelly Conaboy’s! Your train is so small I got hit by that shit and all it did was stub my toe. Your train is so damn small if that shit goes off the track you can LITERALLY pick it up. Small train-ass motherfucker. –Andrew
Haha, “your mama.” I bet none of you have heard that in a very long time. If you have, I’m sure it was said ironically (you know, by a guy wearing Power Rangers t-shirt). But nope! This guy clearly and truly means it. This news report was probably filmed during that magical era when “your mom/mama” was everywhere. There wasn’t a day that passed when someone didn’t tell a “Your mom’s so fat…” joke or, better yet, punctuate every question with a blunt, “Your mom.” And as fond as they were, most of us can agree that we’re glad those days are gone, right? STILL…I can’t help but find a bit of charm here, or um, I might have chuckled a bit. Does that mean we should revive that era? No, of course not. “Your mom” humor can only go so far. It’s pretty limited in terms of punch-lines. But the more I think about it, I really hope this video can at least bring you back to a simpler time when everyone listened to Vertical Horizon or something. And had a Xanga. Somewhere in between there, I think. Geez, what time was this? “YOUR MOM TIME, THAT’S WHAT.” – You. That was you saying that, and clearly not me in any way. –Joe
I moved this week! As a result of the shuffle, I was offline for several days starting last weekend. The resulting free time gave me the opportunity to brush my hair and read books, which was a very good time, let me tell you. Now that I’ve got the shiniest hair and the biggest brain (did you know Dick Cheney is not a fictional character?), I’m ready to get back online and start minding other people’s business again. I’m all caught up on Courtney Stodden tweets, so I’m pretty sure I got the gist of what the internet had going on this week (hint: it is disgusting and misguided). I think I heard we’re all meeting up to see the new Emeril Lagasse/Marc Maron movie, and although I’m not sure what those words mean together I’m sure it’ll be a good time. This week, I’m posting one of my favorite videos, because it was the first thing I watched when The Matrix went back up (the Time Warner Cable guy came). Enjoy, and if you happen to have some extra pillowcases I can borrow, that’d be great, mine don’t come in from Wal*mart until Monday. Thanks. –Kelly