Oh No! Regis Philbin Is Leaving Live! On November 18th!

Regis Philbin, the man who no one dislikes, announced in January that he would be retiring from Live! With Regis and Kelly sometime later this year. It was a devastating announcement that in NO WAY prepared anyone for the news he announced today — that his last episode would air on November 18th! Ahhhh! Noooooooo! That is so soon! Give a person some warning! He even announced it with a charming joke!:

There is a time that everything must come to an end for certain people on camera, especially certain old people. Last January I made the announcement that I’ll be moving on, but I never gave you an exact date. So I’m pushing it back five years. Just kidding.

Boooo, never leave, die in the chair! DIE IN THE CHAIR! He also said they’ll be searching for a new cohost in the same way they searched for a new one after Kathie Lee left eleven years ago, by trying out different ones on air or whatever. You remember. Live! goes on.™ The obvious question is which charming Hollywood gentleman should replace Regis, but as far as I’m concerned there are only three options: Anderson Cooper, who already has his own stupid show; Mark Consuelos, who would be perfect enough; or Birdie, who is a dog. Maybe just rotate those three and get Mark Consuelos to fill in for Anderson on Anderson’s show when he’s busy on the Kelly show? Oh, another option would be me to cohost. Live! with Kelly and Kelly. And we could have a bit where we argue over which one is listed first, it would be very endearing. So those are the options for that. The more pressing question, I think, is what is Regis going to do now that he’s retired from Live! but not from entertainment in general. Sooooooo…

  • New head of the Mexican cartel on Breaking Bad, and he murders Gus.
  • Host a game show about jokes. Like he gives you the setup and you have to pick one of four punch lines and if you pick the funniest one enough times you win a million dollars? Needs work but a good start.
  • Permanent addition to the Community study group, always wears a suit.
  • Voice of a cartoon version of a talk show, kind of like Space Ghost if that’s what I vaguely remember it being. He’s a cartoon Regis and interviews cartoon versions of celebrities AND ALSO actual cartoons. This is a good idea no one steal it, I’ve already mailed it to myself in an envelope.
  • Zooey Deschanel’s boyfriend on New Girl.
  • A show about a retirement home that becomes a skatepark at night, where all the old people are very good skateboarders but they don’t want their children to know because of how dangerous it is, and then in one episode Regis gets seriously injured and has to decide whether to tell the truth and save his own life or not tell the truth and save the skatepark. (He doesn’t tell the truth, lives, and also saves the skatepark.)
  • Regis is a future version of Don Draper in a flash-forward scene.
  • In a reboot of Twilight Zone, Regis is Rod Serling. But it’s all done on film with old-timey looking actors and sets and great writers and it’s actually VERY good, even though everyone had the lowest hopes.
  • Regis does like a Mystery Science Theater 3000 type show, but with Live! and whoever the new cohost is.
  • Regis and Vincent Gallo do a food show together.

Hollywood is his oyster, I can’t wait to see what he does next!