Angry Little Boy Needs To Rest Case About Flip Flops And Boat Shoes

Obviously, YouTube user sirlancelot133 has a very solid lawsuit on his hands against the Rainbow and Sperry corporations. Let’s look at the facts please: Rainbows hurt the bottoms of his feet and Sperry’s embarrassed him at a frat party because he wore them with socks (clearly a Sperry’s problem). Furthermore, they stole memories from him and ruined the whole college. What’s more, he has barely eaten due to his sustained injuries. Let’s be real, Rainbows and Sperry’s, for the cost of two pairs of shoes, someone could purchase 120 chicken sandwiches from McDonald’s*, surely that alone is justification for legal action. (His father is a lawyer for Exxon Mobil, so, take that as you will, Rainbows and Sperry’s. Summer Shoes vs. Big Oil? I don’t think so.) Is it even worth adding at this point that your shoes are a little “metro”? In return for your negligence, all sirlancelot133 wants is 15 pairs of each of your shoes (one assumes that he would like the new pairs, you know, the shoes that you will be making after adopting all of his insisted upon security changes and design adjustments), warning labels on all of the boxes (presumably alerting potential customers that these shoes DO make you look “a little metro”) and your standard corporate face-to-face apology. What’s that? He did not rest his case? God damn it, another landmark civil lawsuit that could have very well brought some corporate responsibility to the greedy, anti-human business world defeated by the high-paid in-house litigators against whom these dorm-room lawyers are no match. We really hoped that “triple dog dare you” would hold the same weight in court as “I rest my case,” but these entrenched institutions take years to adapt to modern society. (Thanks for the tip, werttrew and John.)

*It is actually kind of annoying that he invokes the McDonald’s coffee lawsuit because a) he wasn’t even born when that was a punchline and b) the documentary Hot Coffee JUST AIRED this summer and explains how completely justified the woman was in that lawsuit (third degree burns in a parked car) and how the mockery her case received is a prime example of the success businesses are having at protecting their bottom line by eliminating consumer protections. PAY ATTENTION, LANCELOT133!