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Gwyneth Paltrow Reflects On Her 9/11 Heroism

Remember how saved that woman’s life on 9/11 by not hitting her with her Mercedes SUV? Well, at the Venice Film Festival this week, Gwyneth herself finally had an opportunity to share her own account of that fateful encounter, as reported by Reuters. It all starts out with an early yoga class, OBVIOUSLY, and Gwyneth Paltrow herself cannot help but echo the whole Sliding Doors thing, and then this:

“It was an extraordinary story and all I could think about is all of the people who had experiences like that that day, but aren’t able to reach out because it wasn’t a recognizable person,” said the 38-year-old Oscar winner.

“She saw it was me so she was able to get me a message, but I think a lot of fates were changed that day obviously and I am very humbly happy to be a part in her story.”

What is this dark magic?! Somehow, even when Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to be humble and self-effacing it comes off as completely egomaniacal, disconnected, and insane. Like, OK, she got this letter, and frankly she probably should have just KEPT HER MOUTH SHUT, she “humbly” suggests that there are just millions of people out there wishing they could write crackpot SLIDING DOORS letters to all of the people who DIDN’T HIT THEM WITH THEIR MERCEDES SUVS but they are sadly unable to because the drivers of those Mercedes SUVs weren’t “recognizable” people. What? There is also this a really disgusting undercurrent throughout this whole story that no one seems to be talking about, which is the implied suggestion that FATE and possibly even GOD wanted this woman to almost but not quite get hit by Gwyneth’s Mercedes SUV so that she would not be killed in the twin towers, but that She or He didn’t give a FUUUUUUU about the 3,000 people who actually did die that day. Very dope story about how special you guys are. Life #swag. Sorry, dead-o’s! (Thanks for the tip, Zoe.)