Nancy Grace Is Going To Be On Dancing With The Stars, OBVIOUSLY

Let’s be honest: I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars. Sorry, America. I know that show is very popular, and I would never begrudge anyone for enjoying it, it’s just not for me! As a general rule, I don’t like any reality TV show that is filmed in some echoe-y soundstage filled with twirling lights. You know what I mean? Give me a claustrophobic house or a cruise ship or a high-octane test kitchen any night of the week, but these competition shows that look like they were set up in a high school auditorium give me the poops. It’s like punishment! (Interestingly enough, it is a well-known FACT that I do love a good dance off, so I’m not entirely sure why Dancing with the Stars doesn’t appeal to me more, although I have one pretty good guess: too many white people*.) Anyway, the new cast was announced and what a bunch of stars they all are, I’m sure. There’s a tennis player, George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend, and also Ron Artest. Neat! But one name is obviously shining a little brighter than all the rest.


Hahahahahhaha. GOOD ONE, DANCING WITH THE STARS! This is almost as good as your whole “Bristol Palin” bit. “This next dance will be a traditional tango set to the noise of a police scanner.” “This next dance is a waltz set to the screams of stolen children.” “This next dance is a samba set to the banging of a judge’s gavel.” “This next dance is in honor of Terry Schiavo.” AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

*Oh jeez, I realized maybe this one might need a little unpacking. I’m not saying that I prefer to watch black people PUT ON A SHOW, but let’s face it, as a general rule, black people tend to be better dancers than white people, and when it comes to watching people dance I prefer that they know what the hell they are doing. THERE I SAID IT. Pretty controversial stuff. Take it easy, I’ll walk myself to the pillory.