This Week In Movie Trailers, You Guys

Unfortunately, none of us will ever see any of these movies because we will all be DEAD from HURROCANE IRAN, but please enjoy this glimpse of the future that never was. And enjoy heaven! I hear it is great up there.

The Artist

Oooh. Nice! Usually modern attempts to recapture the tone and spirit of old movies is, while compelling in theory, a terrible idea (see: The Good German). But this looks like it might actually succeed. That scene with the two of them at a breakfast table? And the dog head thing? There is a moment where even though you know it’s a new movie you’re actually not entirely sure until John Goodman shows up and then you’re like, right. Good work, trailer.

The Lady Teaser

I bet you this movie will be pretty good, but can we cool it with the “A Power,” “A Destiny” genre of title cards? Those can’t possibly actually get anyone’s attention or make them even remotely interested in seeing a movie, could they? (See also the previous movie trailer, but that is a silent movie, so what are you going to do?) Like someone is supposed to be sitting in a movie theater seeing this and think “Oh neat, A DESTINY!” No.

The Rum Diary

Haha. FROM THE MIND OF HUNTER S. THOMPSON! Always great. Also, I am on board with this, but uh, it better be a little better than this, if you know what I mean? TRY AND LOOK NORMAL WE’VE ALL BEEN DOWN ON HER LOLOL.


Serious question: are all the dudes in the United Kingdom horrific pieces of shit? Because I’ve seen a bunch of movies now, and I’m really starting to get the sense that those dudes are all just broken monsters filled with violent rage that can be unleashed for the pettiest of reasons, and/or HEISTS. Don’t get me wrong, this looks very good, and in general it is a brand of movie that I enjoy, I’m just asking from an anthropological standpoint. What’s wrong, guys? Let it out! No, not like that, I meant like crying!


We’ll see. Maybe! Next trailer.

Hellraiser: Revelations

Uh, this is not a movie. I’m not sure what this is, but I know that it is not a movie. I’m pretty sure everyone involved in this project, when talking to their friends and family about it, were like, “We’re shooting a….thing.” “Oh wow, you’re actually making a movie?! That’s so neat!” “Well, no, not a movie. It’s just…it’s hard to explain, but it’s just this thing we’re doing and it’s awful.”