Universal Drops Its Ouija Movie, Ruins Everyone’s Life

Back in January, it was announced that Universal was planning a film adaptation of the Ouija board (very good already), directed by McG and produced by Michael Bay, and everyone was VERY EXCITED about it. “OMGoodness, I can’t wait for the Ouija board movie, I hope it is an accurate portrayal of how the game can be fun and scary and lighthearted but also how it can take a dark turn because once you open the door you can never close it, or it at least takes a lot of effort to close it and probably a priest, and when it’s open you basically just have a ghost portal in your living room and you never know if the ghosts coming through will be nice or mean but what you do know is that they’re there and they’re not leaving.” “I can’t wait for it either,” was the conversation that everyone was having with each other. AND NOW LOOK. From Vulture:

Just three weeks after Universal Pictures ditched plans to turn the Hasbro board game Clue into a film (again) with Gore Verbinski, things are not looking good for another Hasbro property at the studio: Insiders tell Vulture that Ouija, an adaptation of the magical board that was to be produced by Michael Bay and directed by McG, has been put in turnaround.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Turnaround!┬áMichael Bay and McG are taking meetings with other studios in the coming weeks to drum up interest in their four-kabillion dollar Ouija movie, but Paramount has already passed and GUYS I DON’T KNOW WHAT OTHER STUDIOS THERE ARE! Is Videogum a studio? Can we put out this movie? The only thing we need to put out this movie is money, it looks like. So here are a few ways we can raise that money:

  • Kickstarter
  • We use the ouija board to talk to ghosts and try to find the richest ghost and then ask it where its family lives and then we either befriend the family enough to be included in their will and then we murder the family, or we just rob them.
  • We use the ouija board to find a ghost who buried a treasure before they died and then we find out where buried treasure is and then we dig it up and have all the treasure.
  • We use the ouija board to talk to a billionaire tycoon ghost and ask him how he did it.
  • We use the ouija board to talk to the ghost of someone who was very good at going on job interviews and then we make that ghost go with us all on high-paying job interviews and it tells us what to say and we all get the jobs.
  • We use the ouija board to find some scary ghosts and send them to Universal headquarters and make them scare everyone there until they just agree to make the movie again and also to NEVER AGAIN GO BACK ON A PROMISE.
  • We find a ghost that knows the future somehow, like a ghost that died in the future or whatever, and ask it for either sports scores or lottery numbers or VMA winners and we use that knowledge to either bet and win lots of money or to win the lottery.
  • Also we ask that ghost what things were invented in the future that made the most money and then we invent those things.
  • We sell everything we own.
  • We start a babysitting business.

So this all sounds great. What I’m thinking is that once we get the money we can either just make the movie ourselves under the Videogum name or we can just give the money to Universal and beg them to use it on this Ouija movie, whatever we feel like at the time. We might not have time to make it ourselves at that point, especially if we still have the high-paying jobs. But everyone be careful out there because once you open the door you can’t really close it and you don’t know if the ghosts will be nice or mean, ok get to work!