The furor over Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Whatever this weekend is completely mind-boggling. I just straight up do not even get it. What? What is it? How is this a thing?! In the spring, I made a lot of jokes about the Royal Wedding, but the truth is that at the end of the day, I do understand how people might be curious about or even genuinely kind of care about the Royal Wedding. We no longer live in a world of kings and queens, not really, but we do live in a world that remains steeped in the fascination with, obsession over, and longing for extraordinary wealth and privilege and all the pomp that comes along with that. So, sure. But this fucking wedding? Kim Kardashian is famous because she MADE A SEX TAPE with BRANDY’S BROTHER. That is clearly as legitimate as any reason for becoming famous because the bar is so low on that whole thing at this point that you would have to rent James Cameron’s tiny submarine to find it (LOL, good joke, Hi, James Cameron!) but it does not explain why actual Americans would now care about her wedding. She has been a punchline for the past five years, which is also the amount of time that we have collectively had any idea who she even was. It’s been a joke from the very beginning, through the Ray J nonsense and then the reality shows and her weird non-celebrity-celebrity family and her stepfather’s melting biscuit face and sketches on Saturday Night Live. And now all of a sudden we are supposed to pretend that her marriage, which is so obviously not going to last that it actually HURTS, is something that is interesting and valuable and genuine and worthwhile to our society? COME FUCKING ON.
Anyway, if you were all wrapped up in the news of these wonderful, sacred nuptials as they leaked out across the Internet this weekend, you are welcome to talk about it here because this is still America, but you should also feel free to talk about literally ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD because I am pretty sure that no matter what it is it will be more interesting.