Videogum

Painfully Slow Turtle Barbecue Theft

Some of us, sitting at our computers in our rooms with not enough artificial light, listening to the rainwater drip from the roof onto our window unit air conditioners, may look at a video of a turtle getting stuck under a barbecue and then walking it around the yard as a reminder of time’s slow crawl towards winter and eventual death. Those of us may also wonder, Why does almost everything remind us of time’s slow crawl towards winter and eventual death? Some others of us may see the video as a poor turtle being forced to drag around a barbecue because the humans who seem to own it as a pet want to upload the video to the internet rather than take the barbecue off of its turtle shell. But maybe all of these people need to relax and take a look at this video through the eyes of those of us who will look at it and see it as a turtle who really just wants to have a barbecue with his turtle friends, and thinks that he is being very sneaky and will definitely be successful in his mission of stealing this particular barbecue, and he is already celebrating in his head because he is going to be the most popular turtle in turtle town and he can taste the turtle burgers already.

“What do you want on your turtle burger,” he’s imagining saying to the turtle love of his life. “Oh, you know, the usual,” she’ll say. “Cool,” he’ll say, because he knows her very well and he knows that the usual means that she wants extra leaves and extra ketchup. “Do you ever think about how it’s weird that we call them turtle burgers?” she’ll ask to no one in particular. “Hm,” he’ll say, absentmindedly, not because he is bored with her but because that’s how comfortable they feel around each other. He doesn’t even need to pretend to be interested in her comment about why the call them turtle burgers, since it’s obvious because hello they’re turtles. “WHO’S GOT THE TUUURRTLLE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER?” The noise breaks through their previously mellow Saturday. Oh no. Turtle Dave from college and now mostly just Turtlebook is here! Who invited Turtle Dave?! (Via reddit.)