A Fake Interview With Emma Stone

[With her new movie, The Help, opening this weekend, her movie Crazy, Stupid Love still in theaters, and anticipation for the upcoming Spider-Man reboot next summer in which she plays love interest Gwen Stacy, not to mention today’s news that she will be the new face of Revlon, Emma Stone is Crazy, Stupid Busy. That is why she did NOT take time out of her schedule to conduct this interview, and this interview is fake.]

Videogum: Thank you for taking time to talk to us. You are so busy, so we really appreciate it.
Emma Stone: Of course. I am happy to participate in this interview, it is a real priority for me.
Videogum: That’s Crazy, Stupid Nice of you to say.
Emma Stone: [laughs loudly]
Videogum: So, The Help looks terrible! Don’t you think?
Emma Stone: What? No! That is really the first thing you are going to say to me?
Videogum: Well, technically the first thing I said to you was I thanked you for doing the interview. And the second thing I said was a joke that you loved.
Emma Stone: [laughs loudly]
Videogum: So, this is actually the third thing that I am saying to you.
Emma Stone: Cool. Well, no, I don’t think The Help looks terrible.
Videogum: Oh, sorry. I thought everyone was on the same page about it.
Emma Stone: Obviously, I disagree.
Videogum: What looks good about it to you?
Emma Stone: We worked really hard on that movie.
Videogum: Sure, but, I mean, like, OK, just for example, it seems really weird to make a movie about a heroic white person going against racism in society when she is a make believe character and didn’t exist. You know what I mean? Like, it is very easy to be that courageous when you aren’t real.
Emma Stone: It’s a moving story and it is an honest depiction of our nation’s history, so I still think you can say a lot about the past even if it is fictional. Also, Viola Davis gives a really outstanding–
Videogum: OK OK! We get it. You think your own movie looks good. Kind of arrogant, but let’s just move on.
Emma Stone: How is it arrogant to stand behind my work?
Videogum: I read that you’re best friends with Taylor Swift.

Emma Stone: Yes. But can we please just talk about my work?
Videogum: Remember how gross it was when she was dating Jake Gyllenhaal for, like, two seconds? So gross, right?
Emma Stone: I’m not going to talk about my own private life, much less the private life of a very good friend of mine.
Videogum: So, you didn’t think it was gross.
Emma Stone: No comment.
Videogum: Can I tell you what is weird to me about your friendship with Taylor Swift?
Emma Stone:
Videogum: It’s just how, like, you have sort of built this career on being this smart, cool, funny girl. You know?
Emma Stone:
Videogum: But then Taylor Swift is this super-earnest, very chaste, boring pop sensation. Based on your public image you should be friends with Santigold or something, and instead you’re friends with Taylor Swift. Which means that somewhere in there is a lie.
Emma Stone:
Videogum: I just think it’s weird.
Emma Stone:
Videogum: You’re not talking to me anymore?
Emma Stone:
Videogum: This interview is over.
Emma Stone: You don’t say that to me, I say that to you.
Videogum: So say it then.
Emma Stone: You have been nothing but rude, invasive, and insulting. This interview is over.
Videogum: Aww, I was just teasing. I give this interview an easy A.
Emma Stone:
Videogum: Get it? Emma Stone, do you get it? Like your movie!
Emma Stone:
Videogum: Call me later?
Emma Stone: Are you out of your mind?
Videogum: OK, so your new movie looks bad and has very complicated racial politics. But you are still a very beautiful woman and I thought we had a real connection.
Emma Stone: Ugh.

[Emma Stone storms out.]


[Videogum takes a sip of water and stares at the label on the bottle of water for a moment.]

Videogum: (to self) Emma Stone. The one that got away.