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Who Would Play Cathy In A Live-Action Cathy Movie?

Man, there is nothing going on this week! “Summer is coming.” That is what the Starks say about this week. Before chopping off the Internet’s boring head. Naturally, when there isn’t much going on, my mind turns to the beloved Cathy comic strip and imagining what a live action movie adaptation would be like. It would probably be pretty great. So many hilarious scenes of Cathy having chocolate smeared all over her flustered face as CGI sweat shoots off of her head. ACK! Hahahha. ACK! ACK! I imagine the opening scene is just her getting ready for her day at the office and having a little bit of trouble fitting into her Banana Republic suit and one of those shots where she’s, like, struggling to put on a pump as she’s walking out the door. You know that scene? Where they lady is like stumbling a little bit because for some reason she cannot be bothered to just stop and put her shoe on like a human being? Actually, wait, no, that scene wouldn’t happen because naturally she would wear tennis shoes to the office and then we would see her switch them out with the pumps she keeps in the bottom drawer of her desk at the office where she works…wait for it…as a swimsuit designer (ironic new twist, Cathy 2.0). Meanwhile, an Alanis Morissette song plays in the background (doesn’t matter which one) and there’s a voiceover by Cathy who’s like “Working in the big city can get pretty crazy when you’re a single woman just trying to hold it together.” The plot would revolve around a magical wish that Cathy makes to a hilariously gay genie outside of a hot new restaurant in the meatpacking district to get a boyfriend and it will only be at the end that she realizes that you should be careful what you wish for and also that love was standing right in front of you the whole time and his name is Irving. (The sequel, Cathy 2: She’s Aaaa-aack!, takes place entirely in a Thai women’s prison after Cathy gets busted smuggling heroin in a balloon in her rectum.) Now we just have to figure out who would play Cathy. It’s tough!

Melissa McCarthy is on a roll right now, between her hit TV show Mike and Molly and her scene-stealing performance in Bridesmaids (I haven’t actually seen it yet, but I am told she steals scenes) so she would obviously be a smart choice to play Cathy. Her whole thing is being an everywoman who loves chocolate no offense none taken.

Evangeline Lilly skews a little younger and a little hotter than the comics, but that’s what people want these days, young and hot! She would give the live-action Cathy movie the Sex and the City vibe it is going to need if you want to win over those younger audiences. The good news, though, is that you will DEFINITELY be able to win over those younger audiences as long as you just try. They are going to love this movie!

Catherine Keener is your thinking woman’s Cathy. She could bring some real humanity to the role, and I don’t want to jump the gun on this, but with her in the lead you might even be able to get an Oscar nomination for BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

Admittedly, Mo’nique is a bit of stunt casting, but you will remember that it worked like a charm for Cedric the Entertainer’s remake of The Honeymooners. In fact, stunt casting is actually the reason that Cedric the Entertainer’s remake of The Honeymooners remains the top-grossing movie of all time and tops many critics “Most Important Films Ever Made” lists.

Elle Fanning’s career is very hot right now.

Oh man, you guys, can we please all use The Secret and put it out into the Universe that Hollywood has to give us a like-action Cathy movie? ACK! Hahahha. ACK! ACK!