Gwyneth Paltrow Continues To Shit Gold From Her Mouth

Just in case you were worried that the Gwyneth Paltrow Garbage Quotes Train had left the station and wasn’t coming back, Elle magazine has a Gwyneth Paltrow photo spread along with pullquotes from their recent interview with her, and holy moly, FULL STEAM AHEAD, BOYS! Listen to some of this nonsense:

On getting support from Beyoncé on her surprise duet with Cee Lo Green at the Grammys: “This story always makes me cry…It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé !”

This story makes you CRY?! It makes you cry. Look, either you’re friends with Beyonce or you’re not friends with Beyonce, but if you’re friends with Beyonce then this story is just about your friend being supportive of you. The fuck are you even talking about even actually?

On creating a solo album: “Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go…in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”

This is just a cool way to make music. Very cool. Not self-entitled, self-aggrandizing, and a complete insult to anyone with genuine musical talent who is trying to find their way in this world.

On deciding to launch GOOP: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”

Pardonez-moi, monsieur, ou est le GREAT BAR WITH ORGANIC WINE? Guys, don’t you hate it when your concierge sends you to some…restaurant when he should be sending you to get a bikini wax? People know that she knows that.

On choosing not to go to her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin for advice on music: “[He’s] a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso, and being like, ‘Should I make a little something-something?’”

Chris Martin of Coldplay is basically Picasso 4 SURE.

OK, but here is the best one:

On showing the world a different side of herself: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”

First of all, it is always very smart to TELL people how funny you are. That’s what funny people do. They tell you how funny all of their friends have always said they were. HAHAHAHA, you ARE funny! (The only thing lamer than telling people that your friends all say you are so funny is telling people that your friends all say you are so crazy.) Also, who are these four-year-olds saying “you’re the dirtiest person in the world”? Yikes. But most importantly, this is one of those celebrity interview things that is not exclusive to Gwynnie B but is such a THING and also so AWFUL which is called “explaining why you OWE IT TO THE WORLD to SHARE YOURSELF with all of us.” It would basically be a crime if she was to keep the real her private. She might as well be arrested and go to jail, it just wouldn’t be fair if she didn’t let her light shine. All her four-year-old friends were always saying so.

Ugh. This woman.