Episode three opens with Walt walking into the lab looking kind of happy, which is weird I think. Why are you kind of happy? Your life is a wreck! But, sure, Walt is kind of happy and he pours himself a cup of coffee from the very intense and scientific coffee maker from last season and everything seems great, UNTIL. Until he hears the loudest security camera of all time above him and is upset about it. Uh, Walt, no doy there’s a security camera. Remember when you tried to murder Gus but it didn’t work and then you talked with Mike about how you still really wanted to do it? You dummy! They certainly didn’t have to install the loudest security camera of all time, though, that I can sympathize with. So he says “son of a bitch” and gives it the finger. Cue intro notes!
Last week ended with Mike roughing Walt up a bit, after Walt’s naive attempt at getting Mike on his side against Gus, and this episode begins with Skyler noticing that Walt has been roughed up a bit and realizing that he is possibly in danger. After attempting to get into his condo multiple times with no answer, Skyler calls Walt’s cellphone and hears it ringing. “I can hear your cell phone ringing,” she says, or something like that. Walter! Put your dumb cell phone on vibrate if you’re trying to lay low. But anyway he has it on the loudest possible setting and then he comes to the door with a black eye. Oops.
Skyler explains that she’s there to talk about the carwash and also WTF is wrong with your eye? “Let’s just say that I have a hell of a lot more on my mind right now than thinking about buying a damn carwash.” Let’s just say, ugh, Walter. But she presses him further and he finally admits to having a bar fight with a coworker over a “particular business strategy.” Which is annoying not because it’s a lie, because obviously he has to lie, he can’t say “I got punched because I wanted to murder my meth boss but his enforcer guy didn’t wanna,” but it was annoying because it seemed like he was too convinced of it himself — by that I mean, too convinced that he was anything but an idiot in that scenario. DIDN’T HE USED TO BE SMART? I feel like I’m going to be saying “DIDN’T HE USED TO BE SMART?” a lot this season. Ugggghhhh, present-day Walt.
Then Skyler says “frozen peas” out of nowhere, the way all TV characters say things that no one in real life ever has in the history of the world:
Skyler: Frozen Peas.
Skyler: It’s the best thing for the swelling.
No one has ever suggested an idea just by stating the key component of that idea, as if they were answering a question no one asked. For example: “Store.” “What?” “It’s where we should go to buy that thing you need.” is a conversation that has never happened. I would love to talk about this for the entire recap, but I have to move on. E-mail me a supercut of this thing if you make one someday. “Supercut.” “What?” “E-mail me a supercut of this thing if you make one someday.”
Anyway, Walter doesn’t have anything frozen, and Skyler is very worried about him. She makes him promise that he’ll let her know if things get dangerous, and this lightens him up a bit. She cares! She really cares. So he opens up the topic of the carwash.
Then we’re taken to Marie. Oh, Marie. She’s taking a tour of a house, posing as a divorced mother named Tori Costner. Last week we were able to see how everyone was dealing with their newly terrible lives (they were all dealing with them badly), but Marie’s coping mechanism wasn’t explored. Now we get to see how she’s handling it and, hey, it’s also bad and weird! She comes up with a whole big story about how she’s going to home school her kid and how she works with clay (?) and tells it to Colonel Sanders after she asks for a wine refill, which was a great idea actually.
Ugh, Marie. You are a weirdo.
Hank is watching porn in his bedroom when Marie gets back with his groceries, etc. “I had to go three different places to get the moisturizer that you like, but I got that.” She also got him beer and chips and “the complete encyclopedia to fantasy football,” whatever that means. Hank, THE JERK, responds: “Marie, I said Cheetos, not Freetos. It’s virtually impossible to confuse Cheetos with Fritos.” And, first of all, you should be glad she got you Fritos instead of Cheetos because they are MUCH better. “Ugh, I’m so mad that you got me a superior snack.” – Hank. Second of all, I’d maybe agree that it’s impossible to confuse them, given the fact that Fritos are so much better, but also Hank maybe you should get your own stupid snack then if you want to be so particular, oh wait I forgot you can’t because you are broken so SHUT UP I AM SO MAD AT YOU. Then he says, “And the draft’s not for two months, so this is useless.” You know what else is useless? YOU! I’m not sure how I’d deal with it if I were in this situation with my husband, but I’m sure it would involve a lot more of putting things that he wants slightly out of his reach and then pretending like I couldn’t hear anything he was saying.
Back at the lab, it’s the end of the work day and Walt brings up the subject of the security camera with Jesse. Jesse doesn’t care too much about it and changes the subject, asking Walt if he wants to “do something.” Aww. He suggests go-karts, saying “it’s pretty fun.” Awwwww, Jesse. I’ll ride go-karts with you! But dumb old Walt breaks his heart and asks for a rain check. “How are you doing?” he asks. “Are you ok? Is there anything we should talk about?” Uh, NO Jesse’s not ok! He just asked you if you wanted to go ride go-karts! And he murdered an innocent guy not too long ago to save YOUR life! Go ride go karts with him! But Jesse doesn’t respond very well to Walt’s dad-like questioning and asks HIM if there’s anything they should talk about, referencing his black eye. Gotcha, Walt. You’re both f’d up.
Walt couldn’t go go-karting with Jesse not only because his heart is made of stone, but also because he had a meeting with Skyler and Saul about solving the carwash problem. Saul suggests buying a nail salon instead, but Skyler won’t give up on the carwash, mainly because she’s upset with how Bogden treated her during their meeting. She doesn’t accept that he won’t sell, and gets Walter on her side Mean Girls style, by telling him all of the unflattering things Bogden said about him. They reject a number of ideas from Saul (“All we have to do is think of a non-violent, unsuspicious way to buy the car wash that protects the innocent and doesn’t cost us $20 million.”) and leave without a solution.
Then we see Marie at another open house. Booooooring. This episode had way too much Marie at open houses. We GET it, she’s LYING ABOUT STUFF. But whatever, so she’s at an open house, makes up another story, etc., and makes a comment about the tiny spoon collection the home owners have. Blah, blah, blah. Then she leaves and the lady who was showing her the house notices a spoon is missing. AH!
Uh oh, looks like she’s stealing things again like she used to go to therapy for! Everyone is such a mess.
Then Jesse go-karts by himself and doessssn’tttttttt really seem like he’s have a great time.
So he leaves and goes back to his apartment, which has become a place for crazy people on drugs to go and be crazy. As he pulls into the driveway, a guy is carrying out part of his sound system (or something). As he walks in, people are being violent and having sex and basically moshing? Having a big mosh party. He sits on the couch and makes me want to die.
Jesseeeeeee. Come live with me!
Then we go to ANOTHER MARIE OPEN HOUSE. My goodness. Who cares! But this one is more exciting because as she tells another made-up story, the lady from last time (who was already suspicious about the spoon) sneaks up from behind. GOTCHA, MARIE! Not the same story you told last time! But obviously lying to homeowners about your life isn’t a crime in New Mexico, so she is free to go. Until the lady runs out of the house after her because as it turns out she is not free to go! Wait, what? You can’t do that, lady! “I just called the police, I know you stole that spoon,” she says. Uh. You do not know she stole that spoon! All you know is that she has been to more than one open house and has made up a weird story at each of them. You can certainly THINK she stole the spoon, but you definitely can’t be certain about that. At least not certain enough to be acting like a maniac. But anyway, she grabs Marie’s bag (again, crazy and not allowed):
And it tears, revealing hilarious evidence:
But whatever, just because she did actually steal a bunch of stuff doesn’t mean that lady was justified in acting like a crazy person and grabbing her purse. You both go to jail! I rest my case!
But in reality only Marie goes to jail. She calls Hank. “Are you seriously doing this to me again?” he asks. Ugh, Hank. But then he softens up: “Will you please stop crying? I’ll make a phone call, just sit tight. Where have they got you?” Awww, HANK! PLEASE NEVER BE MEAN AGAIN! While at jail, some guy who worked with Hank tells Marie that she can go home. She doesn’t answer cause she doesn’t wanna. And then she makes the saddest face for about ten minutes:
And then she starts to cry. Aw, dangit.
Meanwhile, Skyler is doing dishes and has an idea. She calls Saul. AND THEN!
THE IDEA IS BILL BURR! Lolololololololololololololol. “Maybe we can get Bill Burr to pose as a water safety guy?” “Bill Burr? The comedian? Host of Bill Burr’s Monday Morning Podcast?” “Yeah, I said BILL BURR. What are you, deaf?” Hahah. I wish they had him playing himself. Bill Burr AS Bill Burr. “Hi, I’m Bill Burr, and I see you gotchur aahh fuckin’, ya got some water pollution problems, eh? Ya fuckin’ idiot.” That’s my Bill Burr written impression and it is VERY good. Anyway, so they hire Bill Burr (lolololololol) to pose as some sort of official, telling Bogden that he has a problem with his filtration system and that he’ll need to suspend all activity until his levels reach the mandated minimums, which will cost lots and lots of money. Skyler and Baby sit in a car outside, feeding him his lines:
Great idea! We’ll catch up on how that idea went in a moment, but first let’s check back in with the stupid Hank and Marie situation that I’m VERY much over at the moment.
Hank watches bowling. Marie gets him lunch. Hank says he’s not hungry. Marie says, “So don’t eat it.” Guy from the police station from before comes over. Says he wants help on a homicide, possibly drug related. It’s Gale. He explains the scene of the crime to him. Has a copy of the lab notebook that he gives to Hank. Tries to convince both Hank and the audience that it is reasonable that this guy would be asking Hank, a DEA agent, for help on this case. Guy leaves. Hank turns on TV.
Back at Skyler’s house, she and Walter wait by the phone for a call from Bogden. Walt is convinced that he won’t be calling, while Skyler stays strong. The phone rings. PHEW, WE GOT THERE JUST IN TIME! It’s Bogden! Walter seems proud of Skyler! It is very cute! But then she offers him a lower offer than before and Walter gets upset. Skyler explains to him that it won’t look right if they don’t try to get the best deal, which makes sense, but Walt thinks she blew the whole thing. Surprise, she didn’t! Bogden calls back. “Let’s make a deal,” they all yell right into the camera.
Then I’m not really sure what happens next. Which is very unprofessional. But I’m watching this alone and I have no one to ask. So, we’re at Jesse’s apartment and he’s balling up money and throwing it into a fat guy’s mouth. And the skinny guy from commercials is there:
And then there’s a shot of the new Gus guy outside in a car.
And then we’re at Walt’s condo. And originally I thought that meant that that guy was outside of Walt’s place? But now I’m second-guessing myself and I think maybe it meant he was outside of Jesse’s place. I’m not sure. But he’s SOMEWHERE and clearly up to no good.
But, Walt and Skyler are happy. They’re celebrating their carwash buy with champagne and are acting like a couple and are TOTALLY IN LOVE AGAIN! Mom and dad are definitely getting back together, guys, just like we knew they would! Yaaaaay! But then Walt reveals that he spent $300 on the champagne and Skyler gets upset, obviously, because they are supposed to be going through a very hard time monetarily, and she has been working hard to make it seem like they really were. Walt doesn’t act like it’s a big deal because he is an idiot. DIDN’T HE USED TO BE SMART? But whatever. “We’ve gotta destroy the evidence.” says Skyler. Awwwwww.
The episode ends with Hank. He is in his room at night, watching TV. He picks up the lab notes. The camera dollies in so you know something’s going to happen.
Ahhh! He knows everything!!!
No, just kidding, the episode just ended on him looking at the labnotes like in that first picture. Gotcha.
There have been some complaints that the pacing has been a bit off this season (complaints that I didn’t really agree with at all until we hung out with Marie at open houses for like 35 minutes this episode), but it looks like next week should silence some of those. Action packed. So, great. I’LL SEE YOU THEN.