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The Hostel-Themed Amusement Park Attraction Is OUR Generation’s Saw-Themed Amusement Park Attraction

The low budget zombie chase marathon in Maryland that we talked about yesterday is for little babies in diapers. If you really want to have a good time, you GOTTA go to Universal Studios where Eli Roth has been paid to say that he helped put together a Hostel-themed attraction. Wait, a what? From a Universal Studios press release (via EW):

Eli Roth, the multi-talented director, writer, producer and actor, will adapt his enormously successful “Hostel” film franchise to create “Eli Roth’s Hostel: Hunting Season,” a twisted new “Halloween Horror Nights® maze at Universal Studios Hollywood(SM). The event begins on September 23 and continues on select nights through October 31.

“Hostel: Hunting Season,” for which Universal will build elaborate sets re-creating locations in Slovakia, will mark the horror auteur and star’s first effort at transforming his screen work into a live theme park experience. The maze will re-imagine the film’s dehumanizing torture chambers and send guests on a spiraling journey through the corrupt halls of Elite Hunting’s torture factory. Elite Hunting, a secret society that tortures and kills American youth for sport in exchange for large sums of money, will prowl the factory and prey on its many maze visitors.

Oh gross! That is very gross. “The maze will re-imagine the film’s dehumanizing torture chambers”? COOL USE OF THE WORD DEHUMANIZING, DON DRAPER. Look, I refuse to watch Eli Roth’s movies at this point because me and my brain had a sit down one night and we came the mutual agreement that she didn’t need those kinds of awful things inside of her. That’s what my brain said. But I understand why people like horror movies. I mean, I don’t understand it, but I understand the idea. They like to be scared because it’s an adrenaline rush and also because it allows them to exorcise some of their actual fears about the genuinely scary world that we live in, and so by the end of the movie these monsters people who like horror movies actually feel BETTER. (I do think that some of the specifics of torture porn” as a genre might warrant further discussion as far as the whole expression-of-the-collective-subconscious side of horror movies is concerned, because YIKES THAT IS OUR COLLECTIVE-SUBCONSCIOUS, but for now can we get back to what the hell is this ride?!) What the hell is this ride?!

I’ve heard of haunted houses, but this is ridiculous! If someone wants to actually feel like they are being chased through a grimy, abandoned, Eastern European dungeon factory a thousand miles from friends and family by a rich sadist who views the murder of young people as sport, THEN PUT THOSE PEOPLE IN A HOSPITAL WHERE THEY BELONG AND HAVE A DOCTOR TALK TO THEM ABOUT LEXAPRO TO SEE IF IT IS RIGHT FOR THEM. Ugh, this whole thing is so gross. I hate it. Also, listen to this liar:

Eli Roth, said: “I am so happy to join forces with the creative team at Universal. Our collaborative vision to bring ‘Hostel’ to life will give both fans of my movie and horror fans a scare they could never have imagined. People will have a chance to experience some exact moments from their favorite ‘Hostel’ scenes, along with some new surprises.

“I was honored to receive an Eyegore Award at last year’s ‘Halloween Horror Nights’ event, and began talking to Universal about a ‘Hostel’ maze even then. This is something I’ve dreamed of for years. I may even dress up and appear in the maze one night as a torturer. So when you say ‘I scared you,’ you can literally mean that I scared you!”

First of all, it is 2011. We all know what a licensing deal is. Eli Roth hasn’t been hard at work with the Universal design team to make this thing. He has been back at Cocaine Manor, taking bong rips with Quentin Tarantino in the Boom Boom Room and talking about how much they fucking RESPECT women. But also, that last line about “so when you say ‘I scared you,’ you can literally mean that I scared you” is so funny because that is one of the dumbest lines in a long time. So funny. LIke, it’s definitely not going to be him that is scaring you, it’s going to be an underpaid would-be actor who used up all his vacation days from his job waiting tables to be a part of this. And also, even if it was Eli Roth, he probably wouldn’t even be able to go through with it before putting down the nail gun and pulling off his latex sociopath mask to let you in on his funny secret.

What a world we live in. I hope Bernie Madoff reads this in jail so that he knows that despite all the trouble he caused, we’re doing great. How pissed is the Saw rollercoaster right now? She’s probably in her dressing room smearing lipstick on her face and singing “I Feel Pretty.” (Thanks for the tip, Rich.)