An Annotated Account Of The Alex Trebek Hotel Burglar

It was reported yesterday that Alex Trebek injured his legs chasing a burglar down the hall of his hotel room at 2:30 in the morning, and that was the end of the report. UNTIL NOW! Finally, America’s questions answered. From the Hollywood Reporter:

“I woke up and saw a figure in our hotel bedroom and I thought I was dreaming,” the Jeopardy! host says. “I realized immediately that someone had been in the room, and I put on my underwear and ran down the hall to see if I could find her.” [Ed. note: “I put on my underwear and ran down the hall to see if I could find her” is what Alex Trebek said.]

He eventually caught up to Lucinda Moyers.

“She came out of the middle room where the ice machine is, and I said, ‘What were you doing in our room?’ She said, ‘I wasn’t in your room,’ so I said, ‘What were you doing?’ She said, ‘I was visiting friends.’ I said, ‘No you weren’t.'” [Ed. note: Haha, this is sounds like a good conversation. Did Aaron Sorkin write it? Walk and talk with me. Paging Mr. POTUS.]

And then what happened, Alex?

While chasing her, “I crashed to the ground,” says Trebek. “I managed to hobble back to the phone and inform security.” [Ed. note: This man has been hosting a game show for 100 years in which people are forced to answer trivia questions concisely and with strict grammatical rules, but instead of saying “I fell” he says “I crashed to the ground.”]

Trebek lost an unspecified amount of money and a bracelet from his mother that he’d worn on the show every day for 20 years. [Ed. note: An unspecified amount of money! It could be anything! Probably a hundred million dollars CASH.] He also ripped his Achilles tendon and injured his other leg while giving chase. [Ed. note: Ripping your Achilles tendon is a very specific injury. What is his other leg’s injury, CHOPPED LIVER?] Later the same day, he kept his obligation to host the National Geographic World Championship at Google. He used a wheelchair to enter the auditorium, and leaned on the podium while quizzing contestants. His crutches were seen nearby. [Ed. note: The crutches declined to comment for this story.]

He was also good natured about the incident at the event, telling participants, “You’re going to be tempted to blurt out responses. If you do, I will have to chase you out!” [Ed. note: PUT YOUR UNDERWEAR ON FIRST, PLEASE, THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT.]

Trebek — who was lauded by fans for catching the burglar — will undergo surgery on Friday. He expects to be in a cast for about six weeks. [Ed. note: Wait, if he caught the burglar then how did he lose money and a bracelet? Judges? BUZZER NOISE!]

Trebek, who turned 71 earlier this month, was recently honored with a lifetime achievement award at the Daytime Emmys. [Ed. note: This is a good way to end an article like this. It makes me feel like he died!]

Obviously, our thoughts and prayers are with Alex Trebek’s legs during this difficult time.