Duh Aficionado Magazine: Politicians Are Dorks (Ben Affleck Debt Ceiling Edition)

Oh man, you guys, this debt ceiling crisis debate, huh?! Things are getting pretty intense! I bet if I understood half of what was going on it would be even worse! Basically, if I’m putting this together correctly, the United States has until August 2nd to get enough rich old white people to say “aye” or else China something something and defaults and Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. (“Nailed it!” – President Gabe.) It may or may not be worth pointing out that while both sides are “playing politics” with this issue, which is literally the name of the game, that the debt ceiling was raised seven times under President Bush without it becoming a National Thing. Then again, if you want to make two war omelets you’ve got to break some debt ceiling eggs. (“DOUBLE NAILED IT!” – President Gabe, Second Term.) It also seems like maybe the midst of the worst economic crisis in generations isn’t the best time to be goofing around with this shit like you are George Clooney on the set of The Prankmerican. Anyway, whatever. I literally have no control over any of this stuff (and before you tell me that I do have the power to call or write to my local congressman, please don’t. I’m engaged with the process don’t worry! My point remains basically the same!) and either it will all get resolved in the final hour or the world will be plunged into a catastrophic nightmare of hunger and violence, I’m sure. Obviously, I have my preference for the end result (come onnnnnn darkness, mama needs a new pair of EAR AND TEETH NECKLACES), but either way: outta our handz.

That being said, uh, politicians are dorks, you guys. No duh. But look at these dorks:

From the Washington Post:

House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.), the party’s vote counter, began his talk by showing a clip from the movie, “The Town”, trying to forge a sense of unity among the independent-minded caucus.

One character asks his friend: “I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is. You can never ask me about it later.”

“Whose car are we gonna take,” the character says.

After showing the clip, Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.), one of the most outspoken critics of leadership among the 87 freshmen, stood up to speak, according to GOP aides. “I’m ready to drive the car,” West replied, surprising many Republicans by giving his full -throated support for the plan.

Hahahha. WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING DORKS CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE SITTING IN THIS ROOM WHEN THIS HAPPENED? Oh man. You guys are losers! Hahahhaha. GET BACK TO WORK YOU STUPID DORKS. Incredible. Very tough, boys. Super impressive. These guys kick ass and take names! They’re total bad-asses. Hahd-coah. Wicked hahd-coah. (Get it? The Town!) Here is the actual clip:

FUCK YEAH! WE ARE LAWMAKERS BUT WE ARE ALSO THUGS! These guys know what Congress is talking about:

Incidentally, with a (debatably) important issue like this that is making a lot of your constituents nervous, especially those who are out of work and struggling to keep their families’ heads above water, but also just those who feel that America has been on a downward shame spiral for years now and may be heading towards some kind of dangerous precipice from which it could never recover, do you really want to frame your party’s position on the issue as being completely without explanation but with the sole intention of HURTING PEOPLE? Well played, tough guys. Super tough, you fucking old dweebs. Turn the White House into a cigar bar. A million more years. (Thanks for the tip, Andy.)