It’s hard to believe that this is the final season of Entourage. What a wild rollercoaster it’s been. I’m positive that I know what a rollercoaster is and that calling this show a rollercoaster is a good and apt metaphor. There was the time that Vinnie was doing great and then the other time where for a second you thought he wasn’t doing great but then it turned out that he was. Admittedly, I stopped watching Entourage in season six because I literally could not take it anymore. Turtle owned a cab company and E was driving his Maserati to work and Johnny was cooking breakfast and the biggest question of every episode came at the beginning when Vinnie walked in and said “What are we doing today? Let’s have fun.” GOOD GOD, THIS SHOW SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THE FACT THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN ANY GIVEN DAY AND WE NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL WITH HOW WE SPEND THEM. But, so, I guess Vinnie had to go to rehab at the end of last season because he was doing too much Sasha Grey and he cut his hair himself (cry for help). Also he’s mad at E for some reason? Why is he mad at E? In last night’s episode they almost explained why he was mad at E but all anyone said was “friendship and business.” Got it. (Total rollercoaster.) Meanwhile, Sloane kicked E out because something something pre-nup and Ari has been kicked out of his house because he dropped his phone in a toilet. Art imitates life, son. Let’s recap it out, bitch!

Sloane calls Eric at the office, which, NICE OFFICE! The last time I watched this show I think there were three episodes about Eric needing a desk to put in the space he was renting from a garbage burning factory or something. This is very fancy. It is all Razor Scooters and Tits. What does Sloane want? To apologize and get married? No, she wants Eric to come and get his stuff from her “space.” She says space a lot. “I need you out of my space.” Relax, Sloane. I mean, I totally get it, Eric should come and get his stuff, but you are basically a professional brunch eater. His stuff isn’t messing up your ability to concentrate on your comparative philosophies thesis. Eric says he will come get his stuff. Then he has a meeting with Scott Caan and that dude from Married with Children Roseanne who for a second you are not sure if he is playing himself or someone else but he is playing himself so it is equally weird when they talk about how great he is doing, is he doing great? I hope he is! Everyone should do great. I just did not know he was doing great.

Anyway, E and Scott Caan want to represent him in showbuziness, and he wants to fuck Sloane. Eek! Meanwhile, SCOTT CAAN! I guess a lot has happened. E and Scott Caan are showbusiness partners and let me say something: if this show was just straight up about horrible shitbags, which it basically is but with an emphasis on what nice cars and houses everyone gets to have and how the lives of horrible shitbags are supposedly to be envied and represent what all of us want to achieve, but if they got rid of the wish fulfillment and just really tried to be honest about what horrible shitbags everyone on this show was it would be an amazing show because they are really NAILING IT. You could hang this photo up in a Natural Horrible Shitbags History Museum.

It turns out that Vince has called everyone about getting out of rehab except for E because “friendship and business.” E’s pussy is hurt about it. Even Scott Caan got a call from Vinnie, which seems weird, like, I don’t know much about Scott Caan’s character because I’ve spent the past two years LIVING MY LIFE, but if Vinnie is really mad at E why DID he call his business partner who has only been around since the middle of season six at the longest? Anyway, everyone is going to go to the rehab center and pick up Vinnie. WELCOME HOME, VINNIE! Turtle and Drama are getting the house ready by throwing out all of the booze and drugs. Sure. Lord knows, it will be nearly impossible for an internationally famous movie star to get his hands on any booze or drugs if they aren’t in the kitchen cabinet. TURTLE, PULL THE DRUG MULE AROUND, WE’RE GOING TO VEGAS.

Vinnie talks about his sobriety at an AA meeting in such a boring, trite way that it is actually offensive.

There are people really struggling with addiction in this world! What is this show even trying to say? Some hot broad hits on him after his message of hope and recovery and he is like “call me when you’re out.” Gross. Just fuck her. Whatever, just fuck her right now. Some other dude pitches a screenplay to him. The truth is, I bet expensive rehab places filled with celebrities are actually fascinating in almost (ALMOST) exactly this way in that they end up being very networky and fuckable and the rehabilitation ends up being a sidenote, but that is not what this show is trying to say. This show is trying to say that even in rehab, Vincent Chase is an unstoppable Charisma Train. CHOO CHOO!

They take him back to the mansion and everyone is being real skittish around him and treating him like a glass princess, which, uh, weren’t they kind of always doing that? Like, by the end of the episode he is basically telling everyone to stop being weird around him and to treat him normal, but his entire existence is one of coddling and pampering and he PAYS HIS FRIENDS TO LIVE WITH HIM AND MAKE HIM EGGS, so I’m not sure how much weirder they are being other than they do sneak beers in the garage.

Probably the best part of the show is how Johnny Drama has an animated series coming out called Johnny’s Bananas. I would watch that show. I wish I was watching that show right now instead of this show.

Vinnie has an idea for a new movie because he read an article while he was in rehab so now he wants to make a movie. It’s about a mining disaster in the Ukraine. What? That is what I say but it’s also what everyone else says: uh, what? But because they are scared that anything might set Vinnie off on a Cocaine Tornado, everyone is like “great idea, Vin, you the man now, bro, let’s kiss.” Finally, though, Vinnie has it out with E by the Coconut Water Table and E tells him that he thinks his new idea sucks and then Vinnie…pretends to do…cocaine…in a bedroom…and everyone runs in like the Benny Hill Show is on fire and he is like “why can’t you just say it to my face” and so everyone does and then Billy (oh, btw, Billy is here) says that if they changed the movie to a cable show and also if it starred Johnny Drama instead of Vinnie then he would like the idea and everyone else agrees and Vincent says that he can roll with the punches but here’s a question: if the terrible idea is still the same terrible idea, how is it a good idea now? Just because Johnny Drama is in it? Unclear.

At which point TURTLE SETS THE MANSION ON FIRE. Trombone slide. “Tuuuuurtllllllle!” Freeze frame of Turtle shrugging and making the “yoops” face. Oh, also, Ari’s wife told him that she was seeing someone else so he is crying while he watches the house burn but his tears are so fucking fake and at one point E turns to him and says “are you crying?” and he says “I got smoke in my eyes,” which is a hilarious thing to say when you are crying always, BUT it is also kind of amazing that this show has been on the air for eight years and yet they are still incapable of adding any genuine emotional depth to any of the characters without, like, a gallon of tear drop make up and someone going “Hey, look at this character crying, he must be experiencing some real human emotions now because we are all human beings and not just two-dimensional characters of the most egregiously awful human pieces of hot garbage you have ever seen in your life.”

Next week: MEDELLIN 2!