Tommy kills his parents with a lead pipe in the mobile billiards home. Fearful that he will be caught and thrown in jail, Tommy jumps in his car and drives out of town as quickly as he can. He cuts his hair short, gets a pair of eyeglasses with non-prescription lenses, grows a moustache, and buys a fake ID from a black market character he knows from his old dog fighting days. Tommy uses what little savings he has to open a hardware store, and sets himself up in a new town with a new identity and we never hear from him ever again. The end. I wish. Unfortunately, Tommy loads his parents’ corpses into a van and drives over to Sam’s place and we have to keep watching stuff about him. They drive the bodies out the swamp but uh oh Andy Bellefleur pulls them over (quick poll: how often do you guys have an interaction with the same police officer in your town? It’s at least once a week, I know, but is it also sometimes more than once a week?) and demands to see what is in the back: just an old gator. You boys are free to go. I guess Tommy turned into the gator? Not sure what he did with the garbage bags full of human beings, but who cares. They throw mommy and daddy into the swamp and Sam tells Tommy that he has killed people before. Cool. He’s super chill about it. Sam is just a cool dude. One of the most sensitive murderers. Then he throws some marshmallows in the water and the alligators eat their parents because alligators like marshmallows and Tommy should know that, the point is let’s move on.
Back in the woods, the Witch Gang is still yelling at Marnie about making the vampires mad at them. Guys, Marnie sucks. I mean, if you want to have a Witch Club in the back of your Gems Store, that’s fine. And if you want to have some Italian witch from a Barilla ad possess your batik muumuu and make the vampire’s face fall off, that’s fine, but then don’t act all surprised when people are like “the fuck, Marnie?!” Like, she keeps putting people who are NOT being possessed by an Italian it’s not delivery it’s Digiorno witch in danger with the vampires and when they complain to her about that she is like “don’t have a cow, dudes. It’s all good.” Ugh, it is not all good, Marnie!
Sookie goes to Marnie’s Yarn and Kambucha Store and asks for a seance or whatever. Marnie is kind of a dick to her about it, because apparently the Yarn and Kambucha Store is doing such big business that she can afford to be rude and dismissive towards potential new customers. “If anything, business is too good, as you can tell by the fact that my store is completely empty and it’s very difficult to tell what it is we even offer here.” She has visions of Sookie’s grandma (“I see an old grandma in an apron,” “That’s my grandma!”) and then Sookie hears her grandma’s voice in Marnie’s head telling her not to marry Vampire Eric and also to run out of the store. Sookie slowly gathers her things and excuses herself. “Where are you going?” Marnie asks. “When my grandma tells me to run, I run,” Sookie says. WELL THEN WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING?! Your grandma didn’t tell you to make sure not to leave any of your belongings behind and tip your spirit waitress generously.
Meanwhile, Vampire Bill’s great-great-great-granddaughter shows up wanting to fuuuuuuuck but he won’t fuck her brains out because she’s his great-great-great-granddaughter at which point she delivers what has to be one of the most insane defenses of incest that has ever been delivered. (Unlike those other more reasonable and well-researched defenses of incest.) It goes something like “incest is fine because I want to fuck you” followed up with “we can’t even have retarded incest Hills Have Eyes babies anyway so get over here and fucking fuck me.” Unfortunately, she doesn’t rest her case, so Vampire Bill glamours her out of wanting to fuck him. She runs out of his office screaming. Booooo!
Vampire Eric has a dream about Godric where they both eat Sookie and then he wakes up and basketball shortses it up all over the house.
He goes up to Sookie’s room and scares her but then he is like “I had a bad dream.” What are you, a 1200-year-old? Grow up. She has him lay his head in her lap and cry his blood tears all over her comforter.
Aww, he misses his maker. SO SAD, I’M SURE. (This show.) Later on, Tara will eat all the ice cream (“do you have any more ice cream, I’ve only eaten an entire pint of ice cream”) and then Eric will surprise her and she will freak out and run all the way back to New Orleans (THANK GOODNESS) but not before giving a laundry list of Vampire Eric’s previous crimes and so Vampire Eric will sit on the couch and be like “did I really do all those terrible things that your friend said I did?” and Sookie will say yes and then they will make out on the porch. Huh. So I guess when the disembodied voice of her dead grandmother tells her to leave a World of Warcraft Store she listens, but when the disembodied voice of her dead grandmother tells her not to get in love with a confused vampire she is just like “Shut up, Ghost.”
Jason has a sex dream about Jessica. But also about Hoyt. It’s Facebook-level complicated.
Alcide argues with some dirtbag about boots.
Tara’s mom brushes Arlene’s house with sage.
And Lafayette got a haircut.
There’s this whole thing about Lafayette’s boyfriend killing a goat with his grandpa and licking a knife when he was a little boy and feeling energy that he needs or something and how they have to go to Mexico and get his grandpa to kill more goats because that way they can lick all the knives and somehow that has something to do with protecting themselves from Strip Mall Witches and Night Club Vampires? I don’t know. Send a postcard!
Wish You Were Here!
The hot-librarian from Witch Party shows up at Marnie’s store (does Marnie sleep on a cot in the back of the store? Why don’t you ensorcel yourself an apartment, you stupid witch?!) and asks her how Witch Town is going and Marnie is like “it’s going super good, we are totally being watched over and protected,” at which point hot-librarian is like “no you’re not” and the vampire SWAT team bursts in, which is actually pretty funny. “No you’re not.” GOTCHA, MARNIE!
The vampire SWAT team locks her in a cell in Vampire King Bill’s basement. It’s interesting how many houses in this small, backwoods town have high security JAIL CELLS built into their basements. Pam is so mad about her hamburger face.
But Marnie says that she doesn’t know how to reverse the spell. Then there is a boring Vampire Herstory Lecture 101 in the living room because some black vampire doesn’t know anything. So typical. The point, though, is that Pam lets it slip that she knows where Eric is hiding and (next week) Bill catches Eric and Sookie making out. Uh oh! BIZARRE VAMPIRE LOVE TRIANGLE AGE OF CONSENT!