A few years ago, I lived across the street from a family who would throw every dirty diaper their children made into the storm drain outside of their house. What the heck? That’s not where dirty diapers go. That’s also not where humans go! That was a segue. In this local news story from somewhere in California, news anchors try to explain why it is NOT funny that a guy got stuck in a storm drain while trying to grab his cell phone. Which is weird, because I guess it’s kind of funny that he got stuck in there, but my first thought would not be that it was funny. My first thought would be that it was terrifying! A storm drain? STUCK? Just to get your stupid cell phone back? Ahhhh! And also there are other parts of the story that are even scarier, but maybe they aren’t true? This is confusing, someone needs to get to the bottom (of the storm drain) of this.
Uhh, “They said something about ‘gang'”? Not very convincing, JARED. “They came up and said something about ‘black’ and ‘gang’ and ‘gang violence’ and ‘CA gang violence’ and ‘cell phone’ and ‘storm drain.'” But on the other hand, he looks very beat up! Why are they so convinced that he is lying about the people beating him up? And why does that news lady get in the storm drain!? That is not appropriate! When that happened I honestly thought that I was accidentally watching a joke news video from the ONN. And also, on that note, why are they trying to sell this so hard as a funny story! Because he looks very silly with his legs sticking out of the storm drain? I guess that is the answer. And really, whether or not he got beat up by a gang maybe doesn’t really matter because they didn’t FORCE him into the storm drain, like bullies on TV throwing a person into a trash can and then their feet are sticking out of the trash can and there’s a laugh track. He just got in there because they threw his cell phone in there? And he wanted to call for help? Because of how he got beat up. So I guess maybe it would be their fault. Kind of. But! That’s clearly a bad idea! Jared! And it looks like he also could’ve just gotten those injuries by forcing his big body into the tiny storm drain? Right? I don’t know why there aren’t more answers in this news video. They should’ve just shown the photo and written “LOL” over it and been done with it. (Via reddit.)