Let’s All Make Up Our Own Fake Entourage Gossip Column Blind Items

This gossip column blind item seems very real and definitely does NOT sound like it was planted by a publicist a few days before a show returns to television. From BuzzFoto:

This group of actors from a hit HBO show were out at a party at a hotel when a girl at the party got so wasted she passed out in the swimming pool. She was allegedly one of the better looking girls at the party and the moment she was out, she was surrounded by a load of men that tried to take her up to their room to ‘recuperate.’ This lead character from the group of actors saw what was happening, grabbed the girl from the man who was carrying her up to his hotel room even though it created a stir, took her to the front desk, bought a room for her, and with the help of his costars, put her in the room and quietly left so she could sleep it off.

Haha. Fake AND gay. Look, I hope this is true. Not because it makes the stupid cast of Entourage look like a bunch of Gentlemen Heroes, but because we do live in a nightmare world full of Actual Rapists, so one human being doing the right thing by another human being is always to be encouraged. (NOTE: what happened here, if what happened here actually happened, should not actually be considered exceptional behavior, it is simply what you should do when you see a goblin trying to steal a princess’s gold.) One might ask the question what was the cast of Entourage doing at a Rapist Hotel Pool Party in the first place but the answer to that question is “they are the cast of Entourage.” In any case, there are so many details here that make this sound like such nonsense! Like, it’s not enough that a girl passed out in a swimming pool and some dudes tried to call dibs on her unconscious body, but she has to be “one of the prettier girls at the party”? Right. And I’m so sure that “it created a stir.” All of the shitheads in their banker-collared shirts were like “Hands off my dinner, Adrien Grenier and whoever plays Turtle!” Such a stir. “NOW WHO ARE WE SUPPOSED TO RAPE?!” Anyway, let’s make up our own Entourage gossip column blind items! I’ll go first:

Which cast of a popular HBO show in which nothing ever happens not even eight years into it rescued all the puppies from a terrible puppy fire? Eye witnesses say that the actor who plays the ridiculous older brother character who doesn’t own a single shirt with sleeves doused himself in liquid cocaine to keep his body temperature low and then ran into the building. Police say they still do not know who started the fire, and that they would not necessarily consider an office wastebasket with one piece of burning paper in it a fire. Nor is it clear yet how all the puppies got onto the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel in the first place.

Which actor who plays a character named after a popular animal was seen giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a dying supermodel at a benefit for Starving Children over the weekend? Attendees to the charity event say that the woman who was the most beautiful woman anyone had ever seen looked at her watch at which point this man jumped over tables shouting “I’ll save her!” By the time the paramedics arrived, the woman was fine, and still the prettiest woman ever and the actor apologized for putting his mouth on hers because he wasn’t trying to take advantage of such a tense situation, he just didn’t want to see another human life end too soon like so many young lives in Africa, a thing about which he cries every night, he said.

Which sushi enthusiast with a history of real mercury poisoning that is real and miraculous baldness-reversal, best known for his horrific, shrieking, homophobic hate-filled tirades on a popular HBO show that rhymes with Aunt Mirage had consensual sex with three separate women at the same top level White House security briefing about America’s progress in defeating Al Qaeda in order to prevent them from being raped? Insiders point out that had he not been busy having consensual sex with the women, there is no telling what might have happened. Another rumor is that he single-handedly killed Osama Bin Laden because he was “classically trained at his parents theater company in Chicago.”

The eighth and final season of Entourage premieres this Sunday on HBO. (Thanks for the tip, Lindsay.)