A Fake Interview With Daniel Radcliffe

[Between his current stint on Broadway and his final turn as Harry Potter in the last installment of the wildly popular Harry Potter movie franchise, Daniel Radcliffe has a very busy schedule, so he almost certainly would not have time to sit down with us or answer any of our questions, so we didn’t even bother asking him. This is a fake interview with Daniel Radcliffe.]

Videogum: Oh Danny Boy, the blah blah blah is soooomething.
Daniel Radcliffe: What?
Videogum: I’m trying to relate to you. To your culture.
Daniel Radcliffe: That’s an Irish song and you don’t even know the words to it, but thank you.
Videogum: You’re most welcome, my liege.
Daniel Radcliffe: Alright.
Videogum: So, Daniel Radcliffe, this is an exciting time for you! You’re in a hit Broadway musical, and now the final chapter in the Harry Potter saga is coming to the big screen.
Daniel Radcliffe: Yeah, you know we were all just kids when it started and now we’re adults, it’s just cra–
Videogum: What kind of snacks do they have on the set of a movie like that?
Daniel Radcliffe: Excuse me?
Videogum: I bet they had good snacks. Let me guess, you only drink Voss water.
Daniel Radcliffe: What’s Voss water?
Videogum: Oh come ON, Daniel Radcliffe. That might work with the boys over at Vanity Fair but it’s not going to work here. How much Voss water do you drink?
Daniel Radcliffe: I do not know what you are talking about.

Videogum: Next question: I saw a photo of you wearing leather pants one time.
Daniel Radcliffe: That’s not really a question.
Videogum: I just think leather pants are weird! They kind of creep me out.
Daniel Radcliffe: Still not a question. But, you know, on photoshoots and things like that there’s actually a woman who picks your clothes out for you and you don’t have much of a say in the matt-
Videogum: Oy!
Daniel Radcliffe: What?
Videogum: Bullocks! Bangers n’ mash! Bangers n’ mash?

[Videogum offers Daniel Radcliffe a pretend plate of bangers n’ mash, whatever those are. In our imagination, he politely refuses.]

Videogum: Telly! Innit!
Daniel Radcliffe: What are you on about?
Videogum: It’s more of your culture. I’m trying to put you at ease by relating to you so that you reveal some of your secrets to me. It’s called “good interviewing”? Ever heard of it?
Daniel Radcliffe: Well it’s having the opposite effect and now you’re being quite rude, actually.
Videogum: Do you remember in the video for the Red Hot Chili Peppers song “Higher Ground” when Flea wore stuffed animal pants?
Daniel Radcliffe: That’s a little before my time. Why do you ask?
Videogum: I thought we were talking about weird pants.
Daniel Radcliffe: Alright, well, if you don’t have any more questions for me about my work then I really must be going.
Videogum: Like what?
Daniel Radcliffe: Pardon?
Videogum: What would be a question about your work since you’re such an expert?
Daniel Radcliffe: I don’t know, a normal question. “What was it like to work with Rupert Grint?” Or “Do you think you and Emma Watson will stay in touch once the Harry Potter movies are finished?” Questions like that.
Videogum: That’s so boring! Who cares about that stuff?
Daniel Radcliffe: I think we’re done here.

[Daniel Radcliffe make believe walks out of the room that doesn’t exist.]

Videogum: OH DANNY BOY COME BACK! Accio Daniel Radcliffe! Haha, get it? SIT THROUGHUM INTERVIEWUUUS! Why aren’t these magical spells working? Oh that’s right, because magic doesn’t exist. It is make believe, much like this interview was make believe!