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The Zooey Deschanel Vs. The Los Angeles Times Feud Is The Worst Feud

You guys KNOW that I love a feud, but oof, I am already exhausted by this and I have not even begun describing it yet! So, last weekend, celebrity editorialist (?) Pat Morrison began a column in the Los Angeles Times with the following sentence:

I can’t believe Zooey Deschanel is really the snobby cow she came off sounding like Saturday evening.

Are you still with me? Stay with me! We’re not even halfway there yet. What Morrison was referring to was something Zooey said at a BAFTA event attended by THE ROYAL WEDDING! (We still just call Kate and Leo William “the Royal Wedding” right? Still? Because of how we also used to call them that?) Here is that quote:

She worried that the area near the BAFTA event at the Belasco Theater in downtown Los Angeles might look shabby to the regal couple. “I just don’t want them to see the worst of L.A.,” said Deschanel.

The problem, of course, is that this quote was lifted from an article in USA Today. So, now Zooey is mad. WE’VE GOT OURSELVES A FEUD, FOLKS! My guess is that she does not like being called a “cow.” Hahha. To be honest, as boring as this feud is (and hold on, because it is about to get more boring. Wait until you hear what Zooey has to say!) can I just say that calling someone a “cow” is kind of hilarious? Takes me back to 1954! You guys know what cows are, right? Haha. Anyway, Zooey posted an open letter to Pat Morrison on her Tumblr (obvzzz) in which she points out that the quote was not only taken out of context, but that Pat Morrison wasn’t even at the event. (500) Days of ZINGER! Here are some excerpts from Zooey’s open letter:

I feel compelled to respond to your recent blog post, regarding comments I “allegedly” made outside the BAFTA dinner on Saturday night. I never spoke to you at this event; in fact, you weren’t even there. I am completely and utterly shocked that a professional journalist, whom I have never met, would take a partial quote out of context, and use it as the basis for a misguided personal attack. Further, I find it appalling that you would resort to name-calling to get your point across. In a court of law this would be called hearsay, and in journalism, I believe this should be the beginning of an investigation, not the end of one.

Let me be clear, the quote from USA TODAY that you used as the foundation of your piece, was taken completely out of context. I NEVER said Downtown LA was “the worst of LA.” I did make a reference to a parking lot adjacent to the theater that had a lot of trash in it in an attempt to be humorous. I simply said, “it’s funny they brought royalty here, there is a parking lot with trash around the corner.” It wasn’t an opinion. It was true. There WAS indeed a parking lot with trash around the corner. I thought the juxtaposition of British Royalty and trash was amusing in a high-brow + low brow sort of way, but I never said that I, personally, didn’t like downtown, the Royals, or even trash.

I LOVE DOWNTOWN LA and I relish in any opportunity to spend time there. I have pride in my city, that’s the reason why I thought it was kind of funny they didn’t clean up the immediate surroundings before the Royals came through. In the end of course it didn’t actually matter since those two crazy kids were flown in by helicopter anyway. Silly me. Regardless, I don’t even think I need to defend my love of Los Angeles. I am a native Angelino, and had you done any research at all, you would have found that I have been quoted in the press on numerous occasions talking about how much I love Downtown.

Now, let’s be clear: Zooey Deschanel is right! Pat Morrison’s (perfect) “cow” comment would have been a bit much even if she had been talking to Zooey Deschanel herself, but to lift an out-of-context quote from a third party and base your entire vituperative take down around it seems like shoddy work. Who does she think she is, A BLOGGER?! What makes this feud particularly boring, though, is firstly that Pat Morrison has already issued a sort of apology, or at the very least, a backpedal. But even more importantly, the thing that makes this thing such a non-starter is that I’m pretty sure everyone agrees that downtown LA is THE WORST? I don’t live in LA but even the few times that I have been there, not once has anyone that I’ve ever been with said “Hey, let’s go to Downtown LA! It’s neat there.” Actually, wait, that’s not entirely true. My friend Andrew did say that one time, right before he took me to the shooting range where they just give you guns right away no questions asked. We actually had to ask for a safety demonstration? I’m pretty sure in the movie Battle: LA the army was like “We have to save Los Feliz,” and Michelle Rodriguez was like, “What about Downtown LA, SIR?!” and the army was like “Goddamnit it, soldier there’s no ti–” and she was like, “I was just kidding, sir. No one cares, sir.”

What a bad feud! Downtown LA gets the feud it deserves, not the one it needs, I guess. (Via Gawker.)